My sweet baby Lucas,
Gosh, where do I even begin?
It’s been one year since you busted into this world. You were born at 3:51 am, November 9, 2013 weighing in at 8 pounds 12 ounces and 20.5 inches long. I can’t believe it’s already been a year. The saying goes, “Time flies when you’re having fun.” And boy, do you know how to have fun! Now, almost exactly 1 year later as I write this, you are an amazing, spirited, loving, wild, stubborn 24 pound chunk of love.
I knew I was pregnant with you when my Werther’s started to taste funny. That happened when I was pregnant with your brothers, so aside from the nausea, it was a dead give away. Werthers are my favorite, but I’ve never been so happy to dislike those little candies.
In the beginning, I thought I was going to lose you. My progesterone was really low and in my attempt to get the progesterone prescription faster, one really awful on call doctor said, “Well with progesterone levels that low you’re probably going to lose this pregnancy anyway.” I’ve had moments of simultaneous anger and devastation in my life, but that one tops the charts.
You and I are both pretty stubborn, determined people; so after I hung up the phone and dried my tears, I prayed. I prayed for 12 hours and didn’t move much until I could get to the pharmacy.
I talked to God as I often do and I said,
“God, I know you didn’t give me this baby just to take it away. I know you’re bigger than low progesterone levels. I know that this baby has a purpose and that you are going to fulfill it. I know that some doctors are just assholes and don’t know how to speak to people. Forgive him, and forgive me for saying asshole in a prayer. I trust you. Thank you for this strong little miracle growing inside me and thank you that despite my body needing some medical help to sustain it, you are the ultimate sustainer of life. Keep us both safe, wrapped in your arms and please let me get that prescription in time.”
I woke up the next morning and got ready for work ever so carefully, as if moving too rapidly would kill you, and then I drove way too fast to the pharmacy after dropping your brothers off at the babysitters house. I’ve never felt so relieved to see a pharmacist in my life.
Long story short, the supplements and the prayers worked! My levels went back up to normal and you developed perfectly the rest of the pregnancy. I knew you were a strong, courageous little baby from the beginning and boy have you proved that to be true.
I thought you were a girl for 19 weeks. I was nauseas for 14 weeks straight. I was moody, emotional and exhausted. It was very different than the first time, so I was sure you were going to be Hannah or Grace. I was worried that if you were a boy, you’d feel left out and like a third wheel with your twin brothers. I was wrong. You’ve become the lead wheel. Now, I can’t imagine life any other way!
You three have had a bond since you were in my stomach. The boys would come up to my belly and rub it, pat it, kiss it and love on it as they said, “Baby!” They’ve loved you almost as long as I have. They were so excited to meet you when you were born and there’s never been any jealousy issues between you guys. Now, I’m not saying that’ll always be the case, and you’ve all certainly gotten on each other’s nerves; but hopefully you’ll keep the same bond you have now as you all get older. You’ll need each other in this life. Brothers are built in, lifelong best friends. Cherish that.
You were due to be born November 7th. People at work kept asking when I’d stop working and I just said, “I’m here til I’m not.” The 7th was a Thursday. I’d had a doctor’s appointment and was about 1 cm dilated but nothing else was happening. So I went to work. I didn’t want to be induced and they’d said that if you were a week over due, they’d induce me. So, again I prayed.
I asked God to allow you to come in your own time, but also that it’d be the right time so everything could be as natural as possible. And he came through. He always does. Remember that too!
I finished work Friday night, the 8th, and on my way home I began to feel some contractions. Nothing extreme but the fact that I felt them every 10 minutes notified me that maybe you were finally on your way. I called Gigi to let her know I thought I was in labor and she was devastated because she couldn’t be there in time to see you born. I was crushed too.
We were on our own. Everyone was 11 hours away and there just was no way for them to get there in time. Your dad and brothers were there though and that was enough.
My contractions continued to increase in frequency and intensity so I knew this was the night. I got your brothers in bed and began packing my hospital bag (nothing like the last minute). Then I installed your car seat in the van and cleaned out the van a little to take my mind off the contractions. I labored at home as long as possible but by about midnight, I had done all I could do.
A friend came to the house to stay with your brothers, and your dad and I headed to the hospital. I’ll spare you all the details, but you were perfect! It was a very peaceful delivery experience, minus feeling like you were trying to claw your way out of my body with a pitch fork.
After you were born, I couldn’t believe how perfect you were. You were breathtakingly handsome. A year later and you’re still just absolutely beautiful.
You looked at me with your gorgeous blue eyes and everything in the world was perfect in that moment. I knew the world was still swirling around us but you didn’t. All you knew was me. You knew my heart in those moments better than anyone because you’d lived right under it for the last 10 months. You were so wise. Those first few days came with a lot of difficulty emotionally, but you were so calm I knew everything would be okay. I’ve always felt my babies were angels sent straight from heaven, and you, my son, are exactly that.
A wild angel. But an angel nonetheless.
When we found out you had Hemophilia I was of course upset, but I knew we could handle it. Your uncle Evan said he’d take you under his wing and teach you everything he knows. He’s another wise soul so he will teach you well.
With how calm you were for the first month I thought, “Wow, he’s really going to be my laid back guy.” Well punkin, you went ahead and proved me very wrong by the time you were about 4 months old. You’re honestly one of the most active little boys I’ve ever met. Full of life. Spunk. Fervor. Gumption. And though it drives me crazy sometimes, I wouldn’t change you for the world.
You keep me on my toes and there is truly never a dull moment with you. You wake up happy and you go to bed happy. You require a strangely small amount of sleep, although that has gotten better in the last few months. One of your favorite snacks is dog food. You love going through every possible cabinet and drawer, especially the ones with dangerous things inside them. The list of non-approved, non-food things you’ve eaten is too great to mention. You give me at least 2 heart attacks a day. You’ve just got THE SPIRIT. There’s no other way to explain it. I always say that your spirit is too big for your body and that’s what causes you to act like a caged animal sometimes. 🙂
Luke, Lukey, Yukey, Love Bug, Peanut, Punkin, Tater Bug, my baby boy, I want to leave you with some wise words on your birthday, but I’m not sure I have any right now. This year has been a wild one. Things have happened since you were born that I never imagined in my wildest nightmares. In some ways, I want to apologize to you for bringing you into such crappy circumstances. But then that wouldn’t make sense because God knew exactly what was going to happen and he chose you anyway. He chose me anyway. He chose us.
He chose you for this very specific time. He sustained you inside my body and he is sustaining us as a family with you on this side. Regardless of our less than ideal situation, I need you to know how unbelievably loved you are. Your sweet smiles, giant hugs, wet, open mouth kisses, and beautiful spirit now sustain me many days. You and your brothers give my life purpose. You three are my purpose.
I feel like the luckiest mama in the world and stand in awe everyday at the fact that God chose me to be your mommy. You were fearfully and wonderfully made and my sweet crazy little nut cake, you’re perfect.
Happy Birthday angel. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Thank you for journeying this life with me and helping your brothers make me into the woman and mama I’ve always dreamed I’d be. I love you to the moon and back!