Maybe it’s a bit morbid, but the other day I was thinking about what I want my tombstone to say.

Ok, so it’s definitely morbid seeing that written out.

I think more than “What do I want my tombstone to say?”, the thought is more, “What is my legacy? What’s my life message?”

I decided that when my days here are over and all that’s left of me are memories, too many selfies posted on social media, and whatever legacy I hopefully leave behind, I want my tomb to say:

“I loved it all!”

As I thought more about that, I realized that in order for that to be the message I leave behind, I have to live my life that way. I have to live each day loving it all, and I honestly believe that overall, I do!

In order to leave the legacy we want, we have to live a life worthy of that legacy. We have to operate each and every day, in all that we do, in such a way that honors our life-both now and long after we are gone.

The truth is, I do love it all; but not every single second do I operate in this way.

When I’m rolling my eyes as I say through gritted teeth, “OH MY GOSH THESE CHILDREN!!!!” after the fifth time of telling them to lay back down and go to sleep; or when I raise my voice to my sons who aren’t listening to me at all because they’re too busy cackling over things like butts and poop, my message doesn’t necessarily seem to be, “I loved it all.”

But once they finally do fall asleep, and when they do stop laughing long enough to listen, my heart is so filled with love for this life I’ve been blessed with that it physically hurts at times. Sometimes I wonder if I might actually die an early death because the amount of love I carry in my body for my children will just stop my breath and that’ll be that.

I don’t always love the daily grind of work and responsibilities and all the doing of all the adulty things that stand in the way of all we really love. The real good stuff. But then I realize that if I wish away the daily, mundane things waiting for “the good stuff,” I’ll miss it all.

Despite anything bad, the good stuff is all around me.

Even in the middle of work. Even at 5 am. Even in the middle of changing my son’s pee soaked bed and pajamas at 2 am. Even when I’ve only slept 3 hours. Even through divorce. Even when I’m mad. Even when I’m sad. Even when I’m too busy to breathe. Even when I feel so overwhelmed by it all that I just can’t even for one more minute. Even when I suck and am agitated and annoyed and moody. Even when I’m way less than I wanted to be.

Even when it doesn’t look like I’m loving any of it.

Even then, I love it all.

I sometimes don’t realize I’m loving it until it’s over. But at all times, even in the middle of the suck, I am acutely aware that life will slip right through my fingers if I let it.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize then that I loved it all but nobody knew. I don’t want to get to the end of this journey God has me on and tell my family, “I loved it all!” and have them say, “Really?? Couldn’t tell.”

I want my life to match my heart. I want the people around me to know that even if it doesn’t look like it right that second, I really am still loving it. That I really do get it. That I really do see what’s around me and how blessed I am. That I’m really not missing it. That because of and in spite of the hard things, we get to indulge in the beautiful things. That it’s all been worth it. Every single second.

Life is just a bunch of Thursdays and Mondays strewn together.

If we spend too much of them complaining or not loving the way the canvas of our life has been painted, we waste it.

So we have a couple options as I see it. We can get to the end of our life and realize that we missed most of it wishing it away in search of something better. Or, we can change the way we view things. We can paint with different strokes. We can choose what we want our message to be long after we’re gone, and we can make a decision to live our lives that way right now, today.

I don’t know how many days I have left here.

I hope and pray it’s a number too big to even guess.

But since we aren’t privy to that information, I’ve decided that if I’m somehow not already, I want to live my life with the motto, “I loved it all.” I want to slide into the end of each day using all I was given. I want to live out my legacy now, while I’m still here. I want everyone around me to be able to feel that I loved everything; not because I said it, but because I lived it.

Because I did.