So you’ve seen an article online and want to comment on it? Perfect!

As you know, all things that flow from the internet just come from a magical black hole of words. There are no human beings attached to any of the things you read online. So when you comment, no need to worry about basic human decency or any nonsense like that.

It’s the internet. You can do and say whatever the hell you want. Since that screen of protection separates you from other human connection and we’ve all forgotten how to even make eye contact with each other, you can just say all the asshole things you’ve ever wanted to say and not feel bad about it one bit.

Articles and comments online are flowing faster than the water at Niagara Falls. It’s a lot to keep up with. There are a lot of jerks out there, so the competition is stiff. But if you really want to be an asshole commenter on the internet, here’s the best way to go about it.

Make sure you ONLY read the title of a post. As quickly as possible, get yourself to the comments section and blast whatever you can in the direction of the “writer” based solely on the title. If the title doesn’t give you enough ammo and you don’t feel like actually reading the post, just read the comments from other people. See a bandwagon you’d like to jump on? Great! Do that! Ride the coattails of the assholes before you and just blindly go for it.

Try hard not to have an actual thought based on anything other than the title and what you’ve seen other people say. It’s crucial to the assholery that comes with being this type of commenter.

If you do actually read the post, make sure you don’t read all the words. Just skim. Don’t bother to make it to the end. Don’t read between the lines. Don’t think outside of your own perspective AT ALL. Just glance over the article for a few seconds and then hit the comment section.

Pick up whatever subtle line of the piece you disagree with and focus on that. Focus on it HARD. Disregard the entire rest of the article. Context is rarely important in a writer’s work, so blow that off completely.

Remember, this one post you’ve read by this author is probably the only thing they’ve ever said. They likely have no other thoughts than this one, so be sure to judge them and their entire life’s work on this one post you stumbled upon through the interwebs.

Always, always forget the fact that your experience of life isn’t the only one that exists. Do your best to stay as narrow minded as possible and disregard all other experiences of the human condition other than your very own.

People usually write posts with very little thought or care. So you should comment with that same type of mentality. Just throw out the first thing that pops into your head.

If the article is highly personal, be sure to make your asshole comments highly personal as well. But remember, base them only on the title, other commenters, or the few lines you read and disagreed with. Don’t bother to learn anything else about the author or their work. Don’t read anything else they’ve ever written to get a better understanding of their experiences and why they write what they do.

Just go for the low blows and the nasty digs.

Does the article say anything about a personal trauma? Excellent. Does it show vulnerability and share real feelings about a subject you may not have ever dealt with in your own life? Fantastic.

Comment away!

Always assume the person, if we can call them that, writing this piece is writing solely based on current feelings. Don’t give the benefit of the doubt that they may be writing about something that happened in the past. Don’t pay any mind to the power of a memory. Don’t acknowledge that maybe you don’t like what you’re reading because it stirs something in you that makes you uncomfortable. And definitely assume that the writer has purely self serving motives for sharing their personal life with the world.

Then think of the most asshole thing you can say, and say that.

Again, these articles just come from a mysterious word warehouse somewhere in space and have no connection to any actual people anyway.

Is the article satire or humor of any kind? Good. These are easy! Make sure you forget all sense of humor and remind yourself that you’ve never made any mistakes, live a perfect life, and can’t possibly relate to anyone using humor to ease the burdens of things like parenthood or any experience of the human condition.

Don’t waste your time commenting on articles that you actually do agree with and can support. It’s much more beneficial to the world to spread your asshole negativity about the things you disagree with rather than spreading any kind of love to things you do like.

Do not ever once stop and think to yourself, “What if I read a comment like this about something I wrote?” or “What if this was my mother/father/brother/sister/dog, etc?” Don’t bother with pesky things like empathy or compassion. Those concepts are only there to slow you down.

Bottom line: the internet is not a place to bother thinking outside of yourself. It’s not an opportunity to expand your understanding of topics outside of your comfort zone. It’s not a way to connect to other people and to gain a better sense of others around you.

It’s purely a dumping ground for toxic assholery. Thumper’s rule, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” definitely has no place for you as an asshole commenter.

So if you follow these guidelines already, thank you. If you don’t and you tend to say positive encouraging things in the comment section; well, I’m not sure how to help you.

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