It has been 8 days since I published a new post. The post before that was 22 days ago!
What is happening!!!???
Aside from the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and that simply is not enough, I’ve found myself in this strange spot with regards to writing.
I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to share with you all. I have literally 29 drafts in my draft folder. I have text messages of ideas and things I want to write about that I’ve sent to myself. Yet, when I do find a few minutes to write, I get stuck.
It’s not exactly writer’s block. It’s more like a time block holding hands with a perfection block. Or an “Is this worthy?” block.
I feel like I fell between two glass slates and I can’t move. I can see you. You can see me. But when I try to speak, nothing comes out. Or, I feel like you won’t be able to hear me through the glass so I just look at you instead of talking to you.
I have fallen into the trap of questioning myself. Questioning the value of my words. Questioning whether or not I even have a message. But bigger than all of that, I’ve just gotten stuck thinking that everything I write has to be grande. Everything has to be profound and powerful and useful.
I have things to say that I feel fall under those categories; but then I sometimes question if I am able to speak on those things right now.
I am a very impulsive and in the moment kind of writer. I don’t like over-thinking what I write. I don’t do much editing, and most of my posts are written in under an hour.
So when I find myself in this strange place, feeling held below the surface of my own words, I’m not sure what to do with it.
I don’t like this disconnectedness I’ve allowed to creep in. I don’t like this over-thinking and over-analyzing and over-everythinging to the point of doing nothing. So I’ve decided to just talk to you about it.
I think maybe there’s some value hidden inside this blockage.
This immobilizing feeling isn’t so significant. It’s not the same feeling of entrapment I’ve felt many other times in my life. Nonetheless, it’s here-even in a small way-stifling my voice.
I have found that the longer I allow something like this to continue, it tends to just build on itself. It’s sort of the same principle as not working out. With each day that passes, it becomes easier and easier to let it go, and harder and harder to get back into the routine of it. It becomes a struggle. It requires more effort and motivation to pick it back up and find the momentum again.
But the only way out of that is to just do it.
So even though I’m struggling to untangle all of my thoughts and decipher which ones are worth sharing with you, I just want you to know I’m still here.
New Year’s Eve is approaching and with that comes all this societal pressure to create resolutions and “become the new you in the new year.”
This year I’m thinking maybe not.
I’m thinking maybe we should just show up.
I’m thinking maybe the you of 2015 is pretty cool, and even though I’m a huge fan of pushing ourselves to be our best, maybe the better approach to this new year is to just be present for it.
Things don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to package yourself perfectly and throw away all the old loose ends before you can show up to this next year; or this next day, or hour, or minute. Your words don’t have to be perfect. Your plans don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to get it together just so you can beat yourself up for not getting it together well enough.
You don’t have to create a bunch of resolutions you won’t keep.
You don’t have to be a better version of yourself. You don’t have to reflect back on all the ways you failed in 2015 and all the ways you need to be better in 2016.
You really just have to show up.
Your life doesn’t work without you in it. You’re the star of your own life.
Just show up for it.
That’s all we have to do.
Show up, and keep showing up.
So that’s my plan. I’m showing up here right now, and I’m going to just show up each day in my own life one day at a time.
I’m going to walk the path set before me. I’m going to lay down the rules. I’m going to put away the expectations. I’m going to allow space for failure and find grace when it happens. I’m going to shoot for the moon but be happy landing among the stars.
I’m going to be grateful. I’m going to seek joy. I’m going to forgive myself and I’m going to forgive others. I’m going to celebrate life and all that comes with it. And I’m going to value the moments that hold me between these quiet glass slates every now and then.
It’s not such a bad place.
It reminds me that all I really have to do is show up.
That’s all any of us have to do.
If I don’t manage to get more words to you between now and the start of 2016, Happy New Year everyone! You all made this past year one of the most beautiful years of my life despite anything ugly. You’ve walked with me through the valleys and the mountains. You’ve cried with me and grieved with me. You’ve celebrated with me and laughed with me.
Thank you for allowing me to do the same with you.
I’m honored any of you have stuck around and I’m just excited to show up to 2016 with each and every one of you.
Here’s to us….Just Showing UP!
And hey, come show up on my Facebook page too!