When your ex-husband and the father of your children is an alcoholic or addict, there are certain things that happen to your heart. There are things you have to do to convince yourself things are fine. You change the rules. Stretch the boundaries of what you thought you’d ever accept. You block off pieces of the truth and re-write the story in such a way that everyone survives victorious in spite of the facts that surround you.
When the beautifully heart breaking letter from Scott Weiland’s ex-wife came out today, I saw the likely future for me and my sons.
The truth is that after nearly two years of separation, and many years before that of living a life that shattered my heart, I have learned how to put the pieces back together for myself. I’ve gained a lot of strength and managed to forgive things I never expected I’d be able to forgive.
It’s been a healing journey for me. A painfully excruciating, healing journey.
But the journey of healing for my sons hasn’t even started yet. They don’t even totally understand they’re on this journey. They’re young enough that the way our life looks is just normal to them. They have questions sometimes about where their dad is. They talk about how they miss him and want to see him every now and then. And about once a month when they do see him, it’s like their favorite rock star came to perform just for them.
The details of Scott Weiland’s life are different than my ex-husband’s. My ex isn’t a rock star. The whole world doesn’t care about his life or how it ends. But to my sons, he is like a rock star, and even if he falls out of their life forever, he will impact their individual worlds.
Those facts are inevitable.
No matter what I do, the truth will always be that he is their father; and that will always carry weight in the hearts of my children.
Unlike Scott Weiland, my ex is still alive. His body is, at least. He’s living his life the way he wants to and to him, he likely feels very much alive.
My sons and I have learned how to accept his monthly appearances. I’ve learned to forgive his absence and lack of effort. I’ve learned to say, “We’re better off this way and my sons will be just fine.” And that’s the truth. We are and they will. But 100% of the men and women I’ve known whose fathers operated like the father of my children have unfillable holes in their hearts.
They forgive. They heal. They move on and they say things like, “Whatever. I was better off without him. I didn’t need him then and I don’t need him now.”
I’m sure my sons will someday say those words. I’m positive they will grow up to be strong, brave, courageous men of the world despite the inconsistency and unreliability of their father. However, there is no denying that no matter how it plays out; there will always be a slight nagging sense of sadness that sits in their chest, just as it does in mine, for the reality of his life.
Miracles happen every day and I still pray that somehow he sees the light and changes his view of his role as a father and steps into it. But the more likely outcome is that the miracle I prayed for 5 years ago may never come to fruition.
The hope of that miracle died for me over a year ago. But my sons? My sons aren’t old enough to release that yet.
There will come a day that my sons will mourn the loss of their father, whether he’s still alive or not, just as I have. I can’t shield them from that because I have no control over his choices and behaviors. I can guard my sons, and I can place as many protective barriers around them throughout their lives as humanly possible. I can love them enough for both of us, and I can offer them a strong family who fills in the gaps left by their father. I can teach them that their heavenly father is all they really need and that He will never fail them or leave them.
But nothing fully fills that gap. Not really.
We adjust. We adapt. We accept. We forgive. But the truth is the truth no matter what we do, and as long as we have human flesh and beating hearts, we will feel that in the core of our bones.
A father, even when he and the children’s mother can’t be together, should be there for his children. A father should place his children above all else. A father should understand the magnitude of his role and the monumental responsibility it is to bring children into the world; and then he should do everything in his power to honor that.
When he doesn’t respect his role, it isn’t just him that suffers. It’s his kids. Forever. In some way, for good or bad, a father’s choices and decisions impacts the lives of his children. It shapes the way they view themselves, and ultimately, it colors the lens through which they view everything.
That’s enormous.
Some people are incapable of shouldering that burden. So then the yoke falls on their children; and no matter what I do to lift that weight off of my sons, it will be there in some capacity.
It’s wildly unfair, and it’s why I’ve had to reshape my heart and change my thinking in order to survive the cruelty in it all. A mother is supposed to protect her children; but I can’t even protect mine from the reality of their own father.
I will spend my whole life trying though.
I have no idea how our story plays out. No control over any piece of it that involves him. All I can control is me. I can pray. I can foster healthy relationships and surround my sons with positive influences and strong male role models. I can forgive. I can speak truth in love. And I can hold out hope that the best things for all of us happen, even if that means he is absent from their lives.
For now, even though he shows up once a month to make his rock star appearance for the boys, he’s still missing everything. Someday my sons will understand that and it’ll be me who picks up those pieces for them.
Unlike Scott Weiland, my ex still has a chance to change the end of this story; first for himself and second for our sons. I pray that happens. But for now, just as Mary Forsberg Weiland stated in her letter, “The truth is, like so many other kids, they lost their father years ago.”
Three Boys and a Mom 
I want to rant and rave about the unfairness. Scream at the top of my lungs. But it wouldn’t change anything. You are braver, stronger, more loving than you even realize. Not only did you pick up your pieces, not only are you continuously picking up your children’s pieces, but you’re also sharing. To expose a light, no matter how big or small or bright, on our lives means we invite so many to look, to see and of course, to judge. Because they all do. Eff the Judgey McJudgersons. Because you are a beacon for others to home in on, you let other parents in similar situations know that they are not alone. Your words may give them the strength to keep doing what needs to be done for a other day. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters. It won’t fix the problem, but it brings awareness and offers hope to others. So thank you, for being brave and strong enough to expose yourself.
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I have chills all over my whole body. Publishing posts like this makes my insides shake and my palms sweat and my heart beat out of my chest. But these words make me brave again and remind me why I allowed this to spill out for all to see. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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My ex isn’t an alcoholic, but he did abandon his son and only saw him a few times a year. My son is 28 now and has a decent relationship with his dad..but the damage was horrible. It shaped my son..and he does have a hole that won’t be filled. I wish you and your sons nothing but peace. It sucks that so many kids have to learn how to live life this way.
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Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. Thank you for your kind words. I will keep you and your son in my heart and prayers. ❤️
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I understand this exactly. I don’t want my children to lose that innocence either – but it’s already happening.
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I’m sorry. Glad they have you to soften that blow though.
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I can relate to this so so so much. I still never got the confirmation that my ex is doing something, but in my heart after knowing him since we were five, I know there is something. He left me and my son with a mountain of debt. He even pawned my son’s toys that he had worked so hard to get for him. There is only a few reasons that you hemorrhage money AND lose like eighty pounds in a year…… But what I worry about the most is the effect that the lack of caring and of a relationship will have with my son. I too know and have seen first hand what that trauma can do to a child or a person. But as long as they are loved and supported, they will grow up strong in spite of that hole in their life. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this!
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Thank you for sharing too. I agree that while there may be a little hole, the love and respect and support they receive from us will balance it out and I have no doubt our babies will be just fine. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though. No one deserves that.
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You are strong and you are brave, and your children ARE better off. This situation has also happened in my family. I watched my sister choose to marry and alcoholic and addict. He had already abandoned one child and had two failed marriages under his belt. I will never understand why she married him, and then went on to have 4 (now fatherless) kids with him. He was gone for weeks at a time on binges, yet she continued to grow their family. Things did not work out and they are now divorced, and she’s pissed off everyday that he has abandoned their kids. No contact. Going through this w her has been so frustrating, as I am not an enabler like she is. It’s so hard on the outside looking in. Girls – marry men who will be good fathers. It will spare you and your kids so much misery. I applaud you for your article. I know how hard your life is. Stay strong. Keep writing (what a great gift you have) and know you are better than how you’ve been treated in the past. You and your kids deserve the best.
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I was much like your sister; but eventually, enough is enough and you either allow your circumstances to swallow you whole or you rise above them and become stronger because of them. We absolutely are so much better now than we were or would have been had I stayed. Your words are encouraging and inspiring to me. Thank you so very much.
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They are blessed to have you as their mother. Your writing is beautiful and is the reflection of a smart, kind, deeply thoughtful person. They will hurt but they will be ok.
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This means more than you know. Thank you so much. ❤️
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This just socked me in the gut! I am going through the exact same thing with two sons, 5 & 2. My soon to be ex husband is supposedly entering his 4th treatment center tomorrow. He has been away for the last 9 months. He still has a chance to change for himself first then his boys. I tell him the same thing, but he is sick. I will do everything I can to protect my boys and fill the hole, but i know i can not replace their dad. “protecting them from the reality of their own father” —that right there really owns me.
I love this so much! I needed this today!
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish i had the words to do the same so eloquently.
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This means so much to me. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this but it sounds like you are facing it with bravery and strength and grace. Your boys will feel and know that and they’ll be better because of you. I’m praying for your family and that the end of your story can be different. There’s always hope. Hang in there!
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[…] essay has appeared on Rachael’s site, Three Boys and a Mom and Scary […]
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Reblogged this on feather2016.
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I’ll be the first dickhead to write I suppose. While I feel sorry for your situation, I can’t help but defend Mary because she’s probably thinking your husband is just a junkie while Scott was a rock star junkie…..Totally different. Your ex came around on a monthly basis and Scott would have to be touring for MONTHS on end. Not to mention everyone pulling his strings and wanting his money…including Mary! 60,000 per month in child support is hard to keep up with. But I’m sure your ex was just like Scott. Idiot.
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All I wonder is if you actually read the post before you decided this comment was a good idea.
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I’m struggling. I’m a single mother to three small boys (7,6,2). I left my alcoholic, mentally ill husband six months ago. He lives two states away. While he allows me to use his bimonthly paychecks, he often spends most of it before the next payday; leaving me unable to provide for my kids. I have a Bachelor’s degree, but haven’t worked in 8 years. This post touched a nerve. It infuriates me. While I’m starting a new life, my older kids don’t know how to ride bikes without training wheels. They haven’t played sports, or know how to catch a ball (despite dad having played college baseball). They’ve no real interest in Facetiming with him in the evenings (he’s usually drunk and just stares silently), and seem to be getting on just fine without him. BUT, I ask myself daily “What have I done??” How could I have procreated with this sick human, whose Narcissism precludes him from even caring that his wife and kids moved 8 hours away six months ago? The separation was “temporary” provided he got back on medication and went to therapy. Lots of promises, bar trips, blackout car accidents, and drunken suicide threats later: No progress has been made. The thought of returning to work sends me into fits of panic. Child care alone will be at least $15,000 a year (my Kindergartener is half day). I never established myself in a career. I have no family here (my mother moved 2000 miles away shortly after we moved here, for the next six months at least). I’m DYING. I couldn’t even afford to buy diapers the other day. Meanwhile my husband has his weekly supply of pot and money for numerous bar trips. Let’s not forget the $250 a month for Direct TV and $150 for Onstar and XM. I haven’t had a hair cut in a year. I used to be a sorority girl, cute, workout junkie, always looked nice and had nice things. I was raised in a comfortable family and had extras and never wanted for anything. Now I am lucky if I can afford to keep the electricity on. My kids ask me why we haven’t ever been on a vacation. Their friends go on vacations, we don’t. All because I married a mentally ill Sociopathic alcoholic with no financial sense. I feel like this is my punishment. Perhaps it is. I don’t know how you do it. I hope I can learn.
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Oh my love. I’m so sorry. I feel so much of your anger and frustration about the injustice of it all, and the anger at yourself for having married and procreated with such an imbecile. There’s a million feelings and I’ve felt them all with you. I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself and focus only on me, as much as possible; not him. The work on myself continues, as it will forever. But that’s all we have control over. It is so unfair. It’s so ridiculous. It’s so cruel. It’s so disgusting. And yet you still have to go on and you still have to learn to forgive yourself for the choice you made to love him, pick up the pieces as much as possible, and learn to move forward one step at a time. You are strong and brave and courageous. You’re doing your best. Your kids will be better because of you. Stay strong and find any way possible to give yourself the time and space to heal and work on you. Sending prayers and love your way. ❤️
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