“I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.”
He was her first kiss.
Her first love- before she even knew what love was.
Their youth and innocence was fresh. Untouched. Unashamed. And despite their age, he was the only boy who ever really knew her and still loved her more than anything.
Their love was a quiet fire. A deep, steady, lasting flame that burned bright even in the face of life as they grew older and grew apart.
In their younger years, there was a sweetness about them. They laughed. They played. They loved.
As they grew up and life changed, her innocence faded. Her path got dark and twisty. Her edges got hard. Her pieces became broken.
They lost touch and hadn’t really seen each other or spoken in what felt like forever, but years later she discovered that despite all the missing time, all the mistakes, and all the pain, he was still there.
In the background.
Their adult years approached and they had both met other lovers. She was fighting her way through herself, living a tornadic life of turmoil. Yet through it all, somehow the stars seemed to align and there, patiently waiting in the wings, was her first love.
Without hesitation, he loved her. Without question, he wanted her. They spent the next few months wrapped up in each other. Like a childhood dream come true, there he was.
He always felt too good for her. She didn’t know what to do with that much purity of heart. That much beauty and devotion.
She was ragged. Busted. A heavy load.
He was flawless. Whole. Full of grace.
She didn’t deserve him.
She told him that and each time, he looked into her eyes and said, “Hush.” He would tell her he felt like he didn’t deserve her and that he was the luckiest man in the world. He saw her soul. He knew her ugly parts. And yet when he looked at her, she saw love in his eyes. Unconditional, unyielding love.
He loved her with a painful intensity she couldn’t accept.
Despite her brokenness, he wrote her a song.
It didn’t have words. Just a tune. He said, “It’s named after you and I used only the best notes.”
He played it for her sitting up in her room and she was speechless. Truly speechless.
His fingers strummed that guitar like his breath strummed her flesh. She couldn’t process it.
She thought, “How could a song so beautiful have been written for me? How could he sit here with me and play this song with such a strength of love that even the movies couldn’t capture? How could he think I deserved all the best notes?”
Their time as a couple was short. She destroyed it just like she destroyed everything in those years. She couldn’t handle someone loving her like that back then because she believed she was unlovable. Unworthy. She couldn’t fathom how when he looked at her, it didn’t burn his eyes like it did hers when she looked in a mirror. It didn’t make sense that when he wrapped his arms around her, he couldn’t feel how gross she was. How gross she believed she was.
He knew her from the inside out though.
He knew her before her world shattered. He knew her in the good days.
He knew all about the bad days too, and he loved her anyway.
But it was too much.
It crushed her broken soul because she knew he deserved better. So she destroyed it.
She ran back to what was familiar. The cold, distant, sick kind of love she felt comfortable with. She ran straight for the dying blue flame she knew she could handle and away from the red hot fire she couldn’t take.
But he had written her a song. And that song played in her heart forever after she heard it.
Decades of life and that song still plays in her heart.
Their lives split in separate directions and time moved on, but it is in part because of him that she finally understood what kind of love she does deserve.
Maybe she hasn’t found it yet. Maybe she’s still learning to trust even herself. But years ago, he wrote her a song; and now that’s the kind of love she will wait for.
A love that shatters the dark. A love that knows her ugly insides and still calls her beautiful. A love that lasts through time, distance, pain and heartache. A love she and he both feel they don’t deserve.
A love worthy of a song, created from all the best notes.