There are some days that it’s easy to just sink into the pit of suckage. Things happen. People walk away. Plans fall through. I mess up.
And then that overwhelming, suffocating feeling of loneliness and messiness and unworthiness takes over and I begin to believe the lie that even hope of getting it right is stupid. That maybe the problem really is just me and because of that truth, clinging to hope of figuring things out or feeling like I’m really ever going to find what I’m looking for in this life (in any capacity) is foolish.
I focus in on all the things I’ve screwed up, and all the things it seems I continue to screw up. All the things I’ve done wrong and all the wreckage of my life as a result of those things.
I accept the invite to my own personal pity bash: party of one, and I sit there. Sad. Dejected. Rejected. Empty. (And between you and me, quite possibly hormonal.)
I start to believe that just because the patterns are looking similar and I continue to find myself in situations where I am not chosen by someone else means that I’m not worth choosing. That maybe there is something inherently wrong inside of me because if I was worth it, they’d have fought for me. If I was good, I wouldn’t be in this situation. If I was stronger, I wouldn’t be struggling with this same shit.
Whatever the “shit” is for you, we all have it; and when the “shit” hits the fan, all the usual suspects of lies come flooding in when we’re weak.
Then this little thing rises up in me. This little thing that God so graciously placed in my heart when he made me.
I call it stubborn hope.
The damage of the past can be all encompassing. The lies we believe about ourselves as a result of those who hurt us before can be suffocating and paralyzing.
Here’s the thing though.
We have a choice to make.
You can either choose to allow your fear of failure or being hurt to take over and keep you from pursuing all the things you want in life; or you can have some stubborn hope and go for it anyway.
You can stubbornly and tenaciously chase after hope and choose to believe that just because this thing didn’t work out doesn’t mean the next thing won’t. You can choose to believe that just because so and so from your past hurt you doesn’t mean the next one will do the same. You can rise up against those old tired weights from your history and fight for hope despite it all.
Maybe that feels foolish. Maybe the repeated failures in certain areas of your life make it feel impossible to keep trying. Maybe you’ve just been hurt too much and it feels like putting your heart out there again just simply isn’t worth it. Maybe you’ve fallen so many times that you’re just honestly too embarrassed to try it one more time.
Maybe you’re right.
But maybe you’re wrong too.
Maybe instead of shutting down and giving up on that thing you wanted because you’re scared, you’re supposed to fight for it. Maybe you’re supposed to push through your fear and do it anyway.
Maybe you’re supposed to use your past as a lesson and move forward smarter, not slower.
Maybe it’s ok to hope. To try. To risk your heart and even get crushed a few times.
Maybe it’s ok to fall and look foolish and be the one that tried anyway.
Maybe stubborn hope is keeping you alive.
Today, I choose stubborn hope.
I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason -a good reason- even if that reason isn’t what I originally thought it was.
I choose to believe that I am on the right path, even on the days it hurts. Even on the days I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, today I choose to believe I’m still right where I’m supposed to be.
I choose to believe I am worthy and that someday, the right person will see that too and things will all make sense.
I choose to believe that all my mistakes hold value and with each one, I am becoming better.
I choose to believe that I am enough. Just as I am, all messy and flawed and frayed, I am good. And I choose to stop choosing things and people that don’t choose me back.
You don’t have to wait until everything is perfect to show up with a handful of hope. And even if you place your hope in something that can’t hold it, it isn’t foolish to scoop it back up and try again. Hanging onto a little stubborn hope may just be the very thing that gets you everything you’ve ever wanted.
So here’s to stubborn hope friends. Even when it doesn’t make sense, there’s always hope.