And He Held Me

“Are you coming with us to church?”

“I’m not going anywhere with you. I can’t stand you. Who wants to live like this?!?”

Just as I’d done the many weekends before, I gathered my three boys and without another word drove to my safe haven.

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I strapped my newborn onto my chest so I had free arms for the other two; side straddled the diaper bag and shoved my Bible into the front of it. Like a warrior preparing for battle, I dug down into the depths of my guts and pulled out the bravest smile I could find.

And He held me.

I wrapped my arms around my babies like my life depended on it knowing that pretty soon, we’d really be on our own.

I’d had that realization before, but this time there was an unexplainable sense of peace that entered my shaky bones.

With each step as I approached the nursery, I felt stronger. I knew that the end of this hell was coming soon and God was paving the way for me to get out.

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I walked into the cool stillness of that room and God’s arms wrapped around me just as mine had been wrapped around my sons minutes earlier.

I stood in that church- the literal sanctuary of my heart. Alone. Riddled with fear. Searching for answers.

And He held me.

The knowledge that there was a plan for my life was so strong I could taste it. I knew my marriage was ending, but in that moment, I also knew life was about to really begin.

The band started to play and with each beat of the drum I felt another ounce of fear drain from my body.

Tears welled up in my eyes and as I sang, my heart poured out. I lifted my arms with complete abandon. Unafraid, unashamed, unreserved.

Unbroken.

I had always been reserved in my praise. I worshipped with my whole heart and soul, but not so much my arms. That night, with my eyes closed and my arms opened, I didn’t even feel like it was me lifting my limbs. Like a child reaches for his mother, I reached for God.

And He held me.

With hopeful energy I sang. Heart aching, but held. Fear-stricken, but at peace.

Each song we sang felt like it had been hand selected just for me. As I sang to the heavens, He echoed back to me.

I was safe.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and you won’t start now.

So I will call upon your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace; for I am yours, and you are mine.”

I gave my heart to God.

I trusted him without reservation.

I asked him to guide my every step because I had no idea what I was doing.

And He held me.

I continued to sing, wrapped in the arms of my Father, assured that although I felt like an exposed nerve walking around in the world, God would cover me. He would heal my wounds and ease my burden. He would pave the way and direct my steps.

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

The next year was one of the hardest of my life. But the one thing I knew for sure all along was that I was walking the right path and that I wasn’t doing it alone.

When I couldn’t see, He was my eyes. When I couldn’t sleep, He was my rest. When I couldn’t breathe, He was my air. When I felt alone, He was my comfort. When I felt afraid, He was my peace. When I felt angry, He was my forgiveness. When I couldn’t take another step, He was my legs. When I was weak, He was my strength.

I kept my eyes fixed on the things above.

I looked ahead with hope.

No matter what, He held me.

And He’s holding you too.

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17 thoughts on “And He Held Me

  1. Yep. Very, very familiar territory. He is always holding us. So glad you have that assurance. And so glad you posted this today. Really needed to read it and remember.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a lovely post ❤️ Though I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to go through something like you went through but I’ve had my share of ups and downs and faith is what kept me sane and helped me hold the broken pieces together.. Life without faith would have been unbearable

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate very deeply to your experience. I remember surrendering to God and feeling a release like never before. I had been so afraid for my children, and felt so helpless. Now I am in the front rows, raising my hands in praise…..no more fear…God holds us💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a God we serve! He is so amazing! He takes our broken messes and holds us through them, guiding us and helping us every step. Thank you for this amazing, thoughtful reminder….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] Many of you know my particular situation during this season of my life, and many of you don’t. So for those of you who don’t, I want you to know and understand that I am not an island. I am not doing this journey 100% on my own. My parents have, in an enormous way, been “helping get my twisted shirt on” since I separated from my husband. God has been doing the same. […]

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  6. […] Many of you know my particular situation during this season of my life, and many of you don’t. So for those of you who don’t, I want you to know and understand that I am not an island. I am not doing this journey 100% on my own. My parents have, in an enormous way, been “helping get my twisted shirt on” since I separated from my husband. God has been doing the same. […]

    Like

  7. Hi Rachel,

    Last year I read a blog of yours on scary mommy called ‘Happy Father’s Day to the man who made me a mother’ – it really resonated with me as someone who has no relationship with their own father. I have 2 boys aged 4 and 2 and am lucky enough to have a great partner and dad to them but the fact that my dad was never around during my own childhood made this seem so poignant to me. I always wonder if the boys’ father has managed to get sober and improve their relationship? Here’s hoping x

    Liked by 1 person

    • What an awesome connection and comment!! I’m honored that’s how you found me and that you’ve stuck around. I’m actually going to write more on the changes that have happened but it’s been a hard thing to do for several reasons. It feels fragile if that makes sense. But I will tell you there has been improvement. So I’m grateful for what positive changes have been made even though it’s hard to trust and feels unreliable still at times. I have written a few posts recently that spoke to some of it…. The rodeo post a few weeks ago. But will do more soon! So glad you’re here and so glad you’ve got a good partner and father for your boys. You’re doing great! ❤️

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