***Just a little warning, this is a stream of thought. I hope it makes sense. If not, that’s cool too.
My boys have seen their dad 6 times in the last 3 months; 8 if you count the one time he met us at church and saw them for 30 minutes, and the day I brought them to his apartment for their birthday weekend and he spent 3 hours with them against his will.
They are supposed to have a visit this weekend “come hell or high water.” It’ll be the first one in a month. While I have mixed feelings about all of this, I have to admit I’m excited for a whole day’s worth of a break.
Here’s the thing though. On the rare occasion I get these little breaks, I feel this overwhelming sense of urgency to do ALL THE THINGS and sometimes it makes me look and act like a jackass. I want to see all the people, do all the things and write all the words. I want to shop, take a bath alone, go out, dance the night away, have a date, do nothing, and do everything all within a very small 24-36 hour window.
These opportunities are so few and far between that I just don’t even know what to do with myself. When a cool offer seems to be on the table, I apparently over-eagerly pounce on it and end up looking like a desperate loser.
The frustrating thing is that I’m not a desperate loser. I’m just a mom who never gets a break and is ready to start having a little bit more of a life of my own outside of my boys. These kid free days come like the twelfth of never and it feels like I might see pigs fly before the next one comes.
So I’m over-zealous in my endeavors to make plans and squeeze it all in. And then that pesky “You’re too much,” thought enters my brain and I feel like an idiot.
I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but there’s this thing that happens to women where we are sort of told by society that we are both too much and not enough at the same time.
We’re too sensitive, too emotional, too invested, too controlling, too interested, too available, too friendly, too needy. And who wants those things? While we are busy being too everything, we are also not enough. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not successful enough. We don’t have big enough boobs, we don’t do enough around the house, we just simply aren’t really enough…because if we were, it wouldn’t all be so damn hard.
I’ve spent the last 15 months pouring myself completely into my sons. I’ll spend the next forever doing the same, and I love that! But I am finally ready to also pour a little back into myself and I’m just realizing it’s hard.
I really don’t know what I’m doing.
I know who I am for the first time in my life, but I have realized when I open myself up in the real world to other people, the flaws that have caused me problems in the past are still very much there.
I’m still me.
Even after all these years and all these mistakes and all this heartache, I’m still me. I’m still too much. And I’m still not enough.
But here’s the thing this go around. F*ck that noise.
At some point in life we have to get to a place of acceptance of who we are and who we were created to be. We have to stop trying to mold ourselves to fit what everyone else likes. We have to stop judging ourselves and feeling like a second class citizen just because so and so didn’t choose us over something else. We have to realize that plans fall through and it has nothing to do with us. We have to learn to just be who the hell we are and own that.
We have to trust that the right people will see those things and love them. The right people will appreciate our flaws and our assets. The right people won’t use us. The right people won’t make us feel like a throw away.
And most importantly, we have to realize that it is not until we become the right person that we will attract the right ones.
We have to stand firm in that knowledge when we discover it and not be swayed by anything or anyone.
So that’s what I’ve decided. I’m standing firm. I’m letting go of the too much and the not enough. I’m just me, and that’s good.
Life will unfold how it unfolds. The right people will stick around and the wrong ones will be pushed out. I won’t try to be something or someone I’m not. I won’t be swayed by every little disappointment. And I’ll remember who I am is enough.
There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with you. We aren’t perfect and that’s where the beauty lies in it all.
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