Thoughts on Being Too Much and Not Enough

***Just a little warning, this is a stream of thought. I hope it makes sense. If not, that’s cool too.

My boys have seen their dad 6 times in the last 3 months; 8 if you count the one time he met us at church and saw them for 30 minutes, and the day I brought them to his apartment for their birthday weekend and he spent 3 hours with them against his will.

They are supposed to have a visit this weekend “come hell or high water.” It’ll be the first one in a month. While I have mixed feelings about all of this, I have to admit I’m excited for a whole day’s worth of a break.

Here’s the thing though. On the rare occasion I get these little breaks, I feel this overwhelming sense of urgency to do ALL THE THINGS and sometimes it makes me look and act like a jackass. I want to see all the people, do all the things and write all the words. I want to shop, take a bath alone, go out, dance the night away, have a date, do nothing, and do everything all within a very small 24-36 hour window.

These opportunities are so few and far between that I just don’t even know what to do with myself. When a cool offer seems to be on the table, I apparently over-eagerly pounce on it and end up looking like a desperate loser.

The frustrating thing is that I’m not a desperate loser. I’m just a mom who never gets a break and is ready to start having a little bit more of a life of my own outside of my boys. These kid free days come like the twelfth of never and it feels like I might see pigs fly before the next one comes.

So I’m over-zealous in my endeavors to make plans and squeeze it all in. And then that pesky “You’re too much,” thought enters my brain and I feel like an idiot.

Own-Your-Thoughts-715x476

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but there’s this thing that happens to women where we are sort of told by society that we are both too much and not enough at the same time.

We’re too sensitive, too emotional, too invested, too controlling, too interested, too available, too friendly, too needy. And who wants those things? While we are busy being too everything, we are also not enough. Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not successful enough. We don’t have big enough boobs, we don’t do enough around the house, we just simply aren’t really enough…because if we were, it wouldn’t all be so damn hard.

I’ve spent the last 15 months pouring myself completely into my sons. I’ll spend the next forever doing the same, and I love that! But I am finally ready to also pour a little back into myself and I’m just realizing it’s hard.

I really don’t know what I’m doing.

I know who I am for the first time in my life, but I have realized when I open myself up in the real world to other people, the flaws that have caused me problems in the past are still very much there.

I’m still me.

Even after all these years and all these mistakes and all this heartache, I’m still me. I’m still too much. And I’m still not enough.

But here’s the thing this go around. F*ck that noise.

At some point in life we have to get to a place of acceptance of who we are and who we were created to be. We have to stop trying to mold ourselves to fit what everyone else likes. We have to stop judging ourselves and feeling like a second class citizen just because so and so didn’t choose us over something else. We have to realize that plans fall through and it has nothing to do with us. We have to learn to just be who the hell we are and own that.

We have to trust that the right people will see those things and love them. The right people will appreciate our flaws and our assets. The right people won’t use us. The right people won’t make us feel like a throw away.

And most importantly, we have to realize that it is not until we become the right person that we will attract the right ones.

We have to stand firm in that knowledge when we discover it and not be swayed by anything or anyone.

So that’s what I’ve decided. I’m standing firm. I’m letting go of the too much and the not enough. I’m just me, and that’s good.

Life will unfold how it unfolds. The right people will stick around and the wrong ones will be pushed out. I won’t try to be something or someone I’m not. I won’t be swayed by every little disappointment. And I’ll remember who I am is enough.

There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with you. We aren’t perfect and that’s where the beauty lies in it all.


 

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XO, Rach

13 thoughts on “Thoughts on Being Too Much and Not Enough

  1. My dear friend, made a whole lot of sense to me! Know these circumstances and these feelings so well! God has done so very much for me and still I find myself caught in that too much-not enough paradox. Thinking on it rather heavily these days, in fact. And you are so right. We are who we are and it is time to embrace that. I personally think you are awesome. Hugs and prayers. 🙂

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  2. Yep I totally get this. The moment I have a free moment I feel a little anxious about what to do first! Sometimes it’s good to just relax and take things as they come.

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  3. I get it. I go back and forth too. Too much. Not enough. That’s why I’m just trying to become me. And you don’t realize it but I’ll tell you…. You are stronger and further along in this process then you think. You already have come so far and are an inspiration to so many!

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  4. I love your story. It is also almost identical to mine so many years ago. I too was a single mom at 28 to three wonderful little boys with virtually no interaction with their father. I had to go to work to support the four of us. We all four survived and flourished. I remarried “the love of my life” and my boys gained a wonderful father and I gained three more precious children. Forty one years later all six of our children are grown, married and gave us14 beautiful grandchildren! Life is good!

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  5. Mama, I think we all feel these things, single mom or not! I wish we lived closer together. I’d let you pounce, or be cool if you needed to just chill 🙂

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  6. Amen sister! Man, we get so obsessed and bogged down by what other people think! I’m with you in letting it go and just living who we really are fully! If people want to join us along the sweet ride, then hop on board this crazy train and if not, well, your loss! I’m a huge believer that some people are meant to be in our lives forever and some just quickly pass through…we need to let the passer through people go! Anyway, great message once again! I’m so thankful you finally get a well deserved break and I hope you either go crazy and try to do everything or just stay in your bed and eat ice cream and watch TV! Either sounds like a dream! xo

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  7. BEAUTIFUL, Rachel. So true. The truth is that people in the world need to be a whole lot more accepting and forgiving and loving, instead of judging and figuring out what is hypothetically perfect. I just think you are awesome. I love your thoughts and I love that you put it out there. Way to be! 🙂 And I hope that you don’t feel bad for craving that alone time, because we all need it!!

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