Thanks Abe, for the hop through time. It’s sort of strange that you have access to all the moments of my life I chose to share with the world over the last 7 years, but it’s pretty cool too.
I like memory lane.
The ability to see what was happening on this day many years ago is really a unique thing you’ve offered the world, and an added benefit of technological living. It’s hard to scroll through the literal thousands upon thousands of pictures I have posted on Facebook over the years, so it’s nice to know that if I just wait, you’ll present them to me in a sweet little daily package of memories each morning.
I really am enjoying it.
Being able to see pictures of my boys over the last 3 years has been amazing. You don’t realize how much people grow and change until you get to scroll through an app on your phone and see it all happening in a daily slide show. Truly, thank you for that!
As much as I’m enjoying reliving the good times with you, occasionally this stroll through memories gone by is painful.
As the years tick by and I go from the photos of last year to the photos of 2 and 3 years ago, and beyond, the twinge of heartache comes sometimes.
It’s been strange to watch my life unfold on Facebook. But while it’s sometimes painful to see, and many people may think I share too much anyway, this time hop has really been more than an app. It’s been a gift. A chance to see myself through the eyes of others.
When the memories of 5 or 6 years ago pop up, it’s honestly quite hard to stomach.
The smitten statuses of how in love I was and the constant longing to be with my then long distance boyfriend as I completed Graduate School and he lived the same life he’s living now. That’s been hard.
I posted things like, “Everything is so much better when you’re with the one you love. Missin’ my love nugget tonight and so ready to be in Georgia.”
Things like that are like a gut punch. Not so much because that love has been lost now 5 years later, but because it reflects how sick and delusional I was. Hindsight is 20/20, and Abe, you have given me 20/20 vision.
I was a damn mess. A codependent, sick, lost little mess. And I was being taken for a ride I didn’t realize I’d jumped on. While I was posting longing statuses of being with “my love,” he was drinking himself into oblivion, lying to me constantly, and feeling like a boss for having hooked such a pathetically committed little girl.
I can see so clearly now the parallel lives we lived back then. It’s the same parallel life we live today. The tension between how it was and how I wanted it, how it is and how it should be. That space between where I fell through the middle years ago. It’s hard to look at.
The memories of 3 years ago, celebrating the birth of my baby boys. What a treasured time in my life. But though I saw it then and though I felt it all, being able to see through my eyes today of what was really happening 3 years ago is painful.
My life going one direction and his stagnating behind. The glow in my eyes at the miracle we’d created and the dull, glazed over look in his as he slowly sunk to the bottom. The recognition of truth inside his soul that this really wasn’t at all what he wanted. And me, desperately trying to make our parallel lives somehow collide.
Two years ago, the memories started to look a bit more like what I imagined. He was sober. We had our babies. Things were moving in the right direction. We looked like a happy family on the outside. But there were struggles. A lot of struggles.
I can see them in the quotes I posted every now and then. In the bible verses I shared that carried me through that day.
I can see that although what I posted on Facebook didn’t always reflect the full truth of what was happening behind the scenes, I shared the good times because they were what I lived for. I wanted people to see the good I saw. I wanted to show that change is possible and that even when it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out, it does and God changes people and life can be good.
It wasn’t a lie. All of that is true and it still stands today. But it wasn’t the whole truth. I didn’t show everyone my pain back then, but I can see it clearly now.
I can see it in the pictures of us bringing our babies home from the hospital for the first time. I can see it in the thousands of pictures that he isn’t in. I can see it in what wasn’t shared each day.
One year ago things shifted bigger than they’d ever shifted. I finally mustered enough strength to listen to what the spirit lead me to do, and I finally unclenched my grasp on the life I’d tried so hard to create. On the image of what I shared on Facebook hoping that someday, those good times would out weigh the bad ones and it wouldn’t feel like such a rouse.
I see the memories from last year and I see strength. I see a woman, where years before, the memories reflected a girl. I thought I was strong then. I thought I was wise and insightful. But I knew nothing. What I see now, is a real woman.
Days go by now where I struggle to see myself. I fail to appreciate the progress I’ve really made over the years, and I doubt myself.
But then you show up Abe, with your commemoration of my old life, and you remind me who I am.
You help me see myself through a fresh pair of eyes. You shed light on the truth, both of my sadness and pain, and my strength and bravery.
My heart hurts sometimes as I remember what was happening each year and as I continue to let go of the dream of where I hoped we’d be today. But what I see is that I’m so much better than I ever was.
I see the woman I hoped I’d become. I see the mother I knew I’d be. And I see the me that I’m supposed to be. I still have a long way to go, but I appreciate being able to retrospectively see the journey unfold.
You’ve given me a gift.
Not every memory is pleasant. Not every hop through time is enjoyable. But what an offering to be able to see them all as I am today.
So thank you, Abe. Thank you for holding the days of my life in one place and allowing me to see them all from the perspective of now. We are in a good place, even though it’s still hard and it still hurts sometimes.
We are better today than we were when we started, and I’m looking forward to the memories you show me in the next few years. Hop on Abe!
Three Boys and a Mom 
Looking back on pictures is always bitter sweet for me too!! I will see a bunch of baby pics of my youngest feel the awe factor, then ones of him with his father… My heart sinks. As I look back I can see the addict in his eyes that I was so blind to because I wanted everything to ‘be Ok’. Like if it was better, but not bad, it was ok… The proof is in the pics I was kidding myself 99% of the time. Love truly is blind. I saw who I wanted to see…
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Oh I feel this so much! We do see what we want to see at the time. Hard to stomach it sometimes, but thank God we didn’t stay there and we got stranger because of it all! ❤
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This is wonderful. I can imagine seeing your old photos and posts can be painful. But how great to actually be able to see your growth! And to be able to recognize it is truly great.
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Thank you for that Tarynn. I don’t always see it day to day, but looking back at things over the years really helps you see the truth of who you were and who you have become. Pretty cool.
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It is interesting how social media has become our way of preserving our past. It is bittersweet to look back across the years at our experiences.
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I agree, it really is strange in some ways, but it’s a pretty awesome thing at the same time. I’m grateful for Facebook preserving so many of my memories and holding so much of my life.
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Nice post. This is very true. I have a difficult time when that time hop thing comes up because my dog went missing not too long ago this past December. Whenever it shows pictures of us getting him or of his missing post, it makes me really sad. I know we have to take the good with the bad though.
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Aww Tricia, I’m so sorry! Our dogs are family so I can imagine how painful that must be for you. Prayers for peace and for your sweet doggy.
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Glad you are in a better place than 5 years ago friend. It is always hard to remember the pain, but I try to dwell more on how those past difficulties have made us into the women we are today, awesome superstar mommas! Happy Mother’s Day!
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Absolutely Natasha. That’s the gift in it all. We are changed for the better. Thanks for this and Happy Mother’s day to you too friend! ❤
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Pictures and memories can be hard. Glad your reflections and perspective are so clear.
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Thank you Melissa, I appreciate that. it’s been a long journey…and still walking. 🙂
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I just started doing a scrapbook for my daughter and I just want to cry looking at how fast she has grown and it has only been almost 3 years! Where does the time go!?!?
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Pretty crazy how fast time goes, I agree. Nice that you’re doing that for your daughter. That will be something you can both cherish forever.
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The sweet and sour truth of life. Struggle one day, bliss the other day. What counts is how you see it. And from where I see it, you are a brave woman Rachel. You have come so far and I believe things are gonna get more and more wonderful with time. I loved the idea of Abe. One can literally go back in time n see what they were doing 2 years back on same day.
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Oh that means so much to me jaya! Thank you for that. You are so sweet 😘 sometimes it’s hard to see yourself through the eyes of others, but Abe and comments like this are so helpful! 😀
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Awww I loved this!!! Just since I’ve known you, I think you’re in a better place now than where you were. You really are an amazing woman and mother!
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That means so much to me sue! You’ve been with me since early on in this journey and I’ll love you forever for it. You’re a beautiful lady, inside and out and I’m proud to know you! 😘
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What a wonderful post to inspire so many. To not look back and see the regret, but to see where you have came from. You loved a man once and then as the pictures progress, that person was absent in too many memories. This little tool allows you recognize and identify. But it also shows three little beautiful reasons which are treasures and blessings. They are a lesson learned through the memories. Those precious babies of yours are true blessings. They led you down a road, and as you watch them grow… your words inspire and are helping others grow. It’s a beautiful reminder to embrace the good. And to never judge a book (post) by its cover. This post really was a wonderful reminder of what was and what shall be. I love the person you have became, persevered through and will continue to shine beauty and your wisdom which always provides a unique beautiful perspective.I am grateful that through your tough Time Hops back, you found the ability to use words and I found a dear friend through that…I am so grateful a person I truly call a friend like you is in my life.
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Wow Rachel!!! Honestly, I’m so touched. You are such a gift! I feel so grateful to have met you through this writing journey. What a blessing you are to me and so many others. I truly do love you! Thank you 💗💖💞
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It can be so painful sometimes to look back, but it’s helpful to see how far you’ve come and gives you a sense of thankfulness that you’re in a much better place. The perspective you have after so much heartache is such an encouragement, Rachael. Happy Mothers’ Day to you! Your boys are so blessed to have you!
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Aww Ai, thank you. That truly means so much !! I hope your mothers day was all you deserve and more!
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Such a good way to put it. Timehop can definitely be bittersweet but it’s so nice to be able to see things as they truly are and enjoy the memories that are good.
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Thank you so much…it has been a cool thing to see for sure!
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