My sweet boys,
There are so many things I want to tell you and teach you about life. How to be strong men. How to love and respect women. How to love and respect yourselves.
But right now, I want to talk to you about a few other things that matter.
These are not necessarily the big, important lessons I want you to learn from me. But I do feel they’re vital pieces of information that if nothing else, will make your life a little easier as you grow up.
So here are just a few tidbits…..
1. Your penis won’t fall off; and ripping it off in protest of something will not help you in any way.
2. It is inappropriate to spread your butt cheeks and sit on someone’s face. Always inappropriate.
3. Toothbrushes are for teeth… Not penises.
4. Baths are less effective if you pee and poop in the water.
5. On a related note, do not ever pick up poop with your bare hands- like mommy does when scooping it out of the bath tub, except of course when you become a father and your own child poops in the bathtub. At that point, it’s a right of passage and you may be my guest. Just be sure to scrub your hands really well afterward. Swishing your hands around in the “soapy” bath water does not count.
6. Boogers do better in a tissue than your brother’s hair. Or my hair, the chair, your pants, etc.
7. Farts are always funny, no matter how old you are.
8. In the same vein, as hilarious as I think it is when you yell, “FARTIN!!!!,” the world might not want you to announce every time you, or they, burp and fart…. Sorry guys! Just keep that at home!
9. Lying is never ever okay; unless of course you’re telling your children a stretched version of the truth for their own good. For example, telling them they need to eat 2 more bites and each time they take one, you just keep saying, “2 more bites!!!” til they finish because they’re not the best at counting yet. (I’m sorry, but you guys don’t eat very well and I do what I’ve gotta do!) Or telling them the tv is broken. Or that if they don’t wear socks and shoes outside when it’s cold, their feet might fall off. You’ll thank me later!
10. Soap works better when it’s used on your body rather than all over the bathtub walls.
11. It’s really not ok to show your penis to anyone else. There are a few exceptions to this, but those come much later in life and right now, all you need to know is, keep that thing to yourself sweet pea!
12. I suppose I can understand the fascination with watching pee come out, but it’s not really the best idea to place your face so close to it that you almost get peed on. In fact, how bout the only person’s pee you need to see coming out is your own.
13. I know you feel most alive when you’re butt naked, but it is, unfortunately, necessary to wear clothes at all times when you’re out and about in the world. I know. Bummer.
14. I know you love your penis, but there will be times in life it’s necessary to let go of it. It’ll still be there, I promise. I know it seems like at least 1 of your 2 hands should be dedicated to your penis at all times; but really, life will be easier if you use both your hands for other things occasioanlly.
15. When you do finally pull your hands out of your pants for sweet things like holding my face to tell me you love me, I can get over where your hands have been to enjoy the sweetness, but some day, your wife might not. So let’s work on that, OK?
16. There really is life outside of your penis. The older you get, the harder this might be for you to believe. You may meet other boys who don’t believe this to be true at all, and that’s fine. But listen to your mother… The world does not revolve around your penis and neither should you.
17. I love you! Always, forever, no matter what. I love you even more than you love your penis! Imagine that!!! 🙂
Got any little tidbits you’d like to add? Share them with me in a comment!