Periods are bullshit.
I have managed to dodge this biotch for the last 2 years and suddenly, thanks to my dwindling nursing relationship with my youngest son, the dreaded “aunt flow” has decided it’s time to return.
And Oooh, she is mad girl!
I know I can’t really complain too much because, like I said, I dodged this sucker for 2 years thanks to pregnancy and breastfeeding. And really, I only had one period in between pregnancies; so for all practical purposes, I’ve been basically period free since the end of 2011. And I was enjoying it quite frankly.
I did not miss this thing! I think I’d nurse a baby forever if I could avoid periods for the rest of my life. Give me all the babies, and I will nurse them!
It’s not enough that we women have to deal with all the pains and difficulties of pregnancy, child birth, and let’s face it, the bulk of all responsibility for keeping humans alive in the early months and years. (Although it is the greatest gift in the whole world.) But then, after giving over our bodies to these little cherubs we created, the thanks we get is a crampy, bloated belly which feels like an 18 wheeler is plowing through it, and the risk of bleeding through our pants at any given moment for several days!? It just doesn’t seem fair.
There are so many things wrong with this bleeding situation. For instance…
I want to eat ALL THE THINGS….ALL the time!!
I work really hard to maintan a decent body these days. I really don’t appreciate this need in my brain to eat and crave everything in sight. Just give me all the chocolate, and maybe wine, and no one gets hurt!
I mean of all things, why does it need to be that our insides molt out of our already overworked vaginas? God really could’ve been a little nicer to us in this area. It looks like shark week gone bad over here!
My gosh, the tampons! Those cutesie little commercials of girls diving into pools happy, joyous and free because they decided to shove Kotex up their vajay-jay to stop the blood massacre in between their legs… Inaccurate my friends.
I like pooping as much as the next girl, because let’s face it, that’s an issue for a lot of us. But I’ve had enough. I’m about done with never knowing if the pain in my stomach is my uterus trying to fall out or the need to poop. Between that confusion and the tampon trying to come out every time my butt meets the toilet, it’s really just enough.
I’m out of control. I can’t even stand to be with me. I need a break from myself this week. It’s completely ridiculous! One second I want to cry because, oh I don’t know, we were out of bananas; and the next minute I’m ready to punch everything in the throat.
I had to apologize to my sons the other night for my abnormally short fuse. I mean for God sakes, all they were trying to do was play with their balloons in the bath tub and see who could pee on each other first. Normally, I might think this was funny. With the return of the red-eye over here though, I’m struggling.
The extra luggage
Because I’ve gotten out of the habit of losing my insides to the toilet each time I pee, I continuously forget to bring supplies with me into the bathroom. This is costing me lots of extra time and brain space to have to keep going back to wherever I left everything to get the freakin tampon because, God forbid I be able to pee once without needing to change it. I do not have the patience for all this mess.
Nothing fits how I want it to. And even if it does, I want to punch it in the throat! Because I’m mad at everything this week.
I don’t appreciate the pregnant looking belly, the ever expanding ass, the stained underwear, the headaches, the body aches, or life at this point. It can all exit stage left. Over it.
The explanation of what’s happening to my sons
No mom gets the luxury of peeing alone, as we all know. I’m ok with that. But when I have to shove a tampon up my nether regions and answer 20 questions in the process, explaining to my son that, “No, I’m not putting the tampon in my penis sweet pea, because mommy is a girl and she doesn’t have a penis. She has a #@!$%:?× vagina,” it’s simply too much.
Honestly, I could have gone the rest of my days without this nonsense coming back into my life. It’s 100% unnecessary.
I guess after 4 years of almost no periods, I was doomed to pay my dues again. I’m trying to be a decent human being…I really am. But I believe I am failing miserably. Seriously, how are we expected to function at normal levels when our insides are rotting out and our hormones are running rogue? I’m not doing a good job.
I’m glad periods only last a few days to a week, because much longer of this and I’m going to start losing everyone I love.