Return of the Red-Eye (or Why Periods Suck!)

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Periods are bullshit.

I have managed to dodge this biotch for the last 2 years and suddenly, thanks to my dwindling nursing relationship with my youngest son, the dreaded “aunt flow” has decided it’s time to return.

And Oooh, she is mad girl!

I know I can’t really complain too much because, like I said, I dodged this sucker for 2 years thanks to pregnancy and breastfeeding. And really, I only had one period in between pregnancies; so for all practical purposes, I’ve been basically period free since the end of 2011. And I was enjoying it quite frankly.

I did not miss this thing! I think I’d nurse a baby forever if I could avoid periods for the rest of my life. Give me all the babies, and I will nurse them!

It’s not enough that we women have to deal with all the pains and difficulties of pregnancy, child birth, and let’s face it, the bulk of all responsibility for keeping humans alive in the early months and years. (Although it is the greatest gift in the whole world.) But then, after giving over our bodies to these little cherubs we created, the thanks we get is a crampy, bloated belly which feels like an 18 wheeler is plowing through it, and the risk of bleeding through our pants at any given moment for several days!? It just doesn’t seem fair.

There are so many things wrong with this bleeding situation. For instance…

I want to eat ALL THE THINGS….ALL the time!!

I work really hard to maintan a decent body these days. I really don’t appreciate this need in my brain to eat and crave everything in sight. Just give me all the chocolate, and maybe wine, and no one gets hurt!

The bleeding

I mean of all things, why does it need to be that our insides molt out of our already overworked vaginas? God really could’ve been a little nicer to us in this area. It looks like shark week gone bad over here!

The tampons

My gosh, the tampons! Those cutesie little commercials of girls diving into pools happy, joyous and free because they decided to shove Kotex up their vajay-jay to stop the blood massacre in between their legs… Inaccurate my friends.

The poops

I like pooping as much as the next girl, because let’s face it, that’s an issue for a lot of us. But I’ve had enough. I’m about done with never knowing if the pain in my stomach is my uterus trying to fall out or the need to poop. Between that confusion and the tampon trying to come out every time my butt meets the toilet, it’s really just enough.

The moods

I’m out of control. I can’t even stand to be with me. I need a break from myself this week. It’s completely ridiculous! One second I want to cry because, oh I don’t know, we were out of bananas; and the next minute I’m ready to punch everything in the throat.

I had to apologize to my sons the other night for my abnormally short fuse. I mean for God sakes, all they were trying to do was play with their balloons in the bath tub and see who could pee on each other first. Normally, I might think this was funny. With the return of the red-eye over here though, I’m struggling.

The extra luggage

Because I’ve gotten out of the habit of losing my insides to the toilet each time I pee, I continuously forget to bring supplies with me into the bathroom. This is costing me lots of extra time and brain space to have to keep going back to wherever I left everything to get the freakin tampon because, God forbid I be able to pee once without needing to change it. I do not have the patience for all this mess.

The clothing

Nothing fits how I want it to. And even if it does, I want to punch it in the throat! Because I’m mad at everything this week. 

I don’t appreciate the pregnant looking belly, the ever expanding ass, the stained underwear, the headaches, the body aches, or life at this point. It can all exit stage left. Over it.  

The explanation of what’s happening to my sons

No mom gets the luxury of peeing alone, as we all know. I’m ok with that. But when I have to shove a tampon up my nether regions and answer 20 questions in the process, explaining to my son that, “No, I’m not putting the tampon in my penis sweet pea, because mommy is a girl and she doesn’t have a penis. She has a #@!$%:?× vagina,” it’s simply too much.

Honestly, I could have gone the rest of my days without this nonsense coming back into my life. It’s 100% unnecessary.

I guess after 4 years of almost no periods, I was doomed to pay my dues again. I’m trying to be a decent human being…I really am. But I believe I am failing miserably. Seriously, how are we expected to function at normal levels when our insides are rotting out and our hormones are running rogue? I’m not doing a good job.

I’m glad periods only last a few days to a week, because much longer of this and I’m going to start losing everyone I love.

Thanks for reading and enduring this hormonal rant! Don’t forget to vote!
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35 thoughts on “Return of the Red-Eye (or Why Periods Suck!)

  1. Breathe, indulge in the chocolate and keep reciting this, too, will pass. I hear you, my dear! My big sucky issue is I have monster PMS that leaves me a big sobbing, screamy, pimply mess the size of a whale several days before my period even shows up. Everything looks black. Eveeerything! And everyone runs for cover with cries of where did the nice mommy go?! Yet, somehow, we scrape through intact. Hugs! It will get better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha thanks! All women can relate to the period struggle…some are worse than others, but we all hate periods. They are a necessary part of a beautiful process though, so I guess I can appreciate their purpose…just not their method lol.

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  2. Grandma post here – this too shall pass…AND… there IS LIFE AFTER PERIODS! Wonderful life as a matter of fact! No mood swings, no worrying about leaking – or killing anyone…and…SEX IS CAREFREE and FUN w/out worry of oh-so-many things….So – don’t give up! There are joys to ALL ages…There are things to look forward to as you get older! BUT … for now, enjoy what having those periods have given you! Those little beings you have created are amazing and all too soon grow up! Then, you have time to enjoy the rest of your life AND pass on this advise to your daughters and daughter-in-laws! Grandma LP

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, thanks!! Mostly I just wanted to make light of an irritating few days of life… But you’re so right… this season has beautiful things just like all the rest and for the most part, I do appreciate the meaning of periods. Just not all that comes with them haha. But luckily, they are relatively short lived and because of them, I have the 3 best things that have ever happened to me, and so for that, I thank my periods! LOL

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  3. *Chuckle* I hear ya girl! When I did have the dreaded monthlies they were horrible due to medical problems. Nearly 6 years ago I had the endometrial ablation procedure (Endometrial ablation is a procedure that destroys (ablates) the uterine lining) and have been period free since. Good bye Mrs. Flow, tampons, cramps, cravings, bloating, CRAMPS (again) and everything else that comes with it!

    http://madcraftingmama.blogspot.ca/

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    • Oh good for you! My mom had to have that surgery…she lost so much blood each time that she was severely anemic and her body couldn’t replace the blood fast enough in between each period… So she praises the Lord for that surgery!! Luckily, mine are nowhere near that bad…but they have definitely been worse post babies. Glad you’re done with that mess!!

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  4. AMEN!!! I agree Does it have to come back with a vengeance?!? I feel you every word, I swear it is worse than it ever was before too! No swimming or bouncing around happening around here that week either. Just let the wine and chocolate in (in moderation of course) You are Not alone!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha amen sister! Wine and chocolate can cure lots of pains… but yeah, the jumping has to be kept to a minimum, unless its done in a hormonal rage to help rid yourself of pent up emotions, in which cad, jump on!! 🙂

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    • Thank you jess! I’m sorry yours has returned… so irritating haha! Hope yours isn’t too bad and you feel ok too! And I am happy to report that I am feeling much more human since it ended… 🙂

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  5. I am not looking forward to the return of aunt flow! I have been pregnant and currently breastfeeding so I haven’t had it for almost two years now and I know its right around the corner! UGH!!

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    • Ugh, yeah Shaylla I hope it takes its time for you, because it is no fun! The raging hormones was the worst part…even bigger than the bleeding and logistical pains. Enjoy the break while it lasts!

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    • Oh man aint that the truth!! Pads I absolutely refuse to wear… I don’t care how many tampons I have to shove up there, I will not walk around feeling like I have a load in my pants. Not gonna do it!! Haha

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  6. One of the best things about writing is being able to write in different moods. I think you pulled off this funny one very well. Except you’re right, Aunt Flo (as my friend calls “it”) isn’t very funny! Well written Rachael.

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    • Haha aww thank you Traci!! I agree that a huge perk of writing is that whatever mood you are in, you can let it spill out onto the page. What a gift! And I am so glad that people can laugh with me through the funny things of life, and cry with me through the painful ones. Thanks for reading and commenting!!!!

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    • Hahaha, amen to that Sue!!! I haven’t done birth control yet because, well let’s face it…it’s unnecessary at this time haha, but I am considering it just to help regulate the chaos of emotions that I am apparently going to endure each month… Might be smart for those around me! 😉

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  7. I despise periods, what is the point in them? Isn’t the never ending broodiness enough, does it really have to be rubbed in our panties like that?
    At least it gives a valid excuse to (partly) give in to cravings.
    The joys of being a woman..

    Liked by 1 person

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