Motherhood is a continuous pouring out of all you have to give. A collection of all the best feelings and all the worst feelings, thrown together all at once, to be felt all day, every day.
It’s hard.
The last few weeks have felt like someone threw me in a motherhood pressure cooker. There’s been a lot of heat, a lot of tension, and the steam is starting to surge out.
It’s really not the boys that make the steam roll out. Kids aren’t hard; life is. (Well, sometimes the kids are hard!) Nonetheless, this mama feels cooked.
I will spare the details of every little thing, but just for fun, let me provide you a few small lists.
Things I’ve had on my body within the last few hours:
~poop (at least twice)
~pee
~puke/spit up (several times)
~dirt
~all varieties of food
~tears
~sweat
~lots of bath water
~milk
~small amounts of blood (my own)
Reasons why my sons screamed like banchees cried today:
~I walked in the door
~They missed me (awww)
~They wanted some milk
~They wanted to watch Peppa, paw patrol, etc
~They wanted a snack
~There was thunder outside
~It was raining
~I left the room
~I had to pee
~I changed their diaper
~Someone closed the door and hit his own head in the process
~I wouldn’t let him bring his blanket into the bath tub
~I wanted to feed them food
~They wanted their shoes on
~I put their shoes on the correct feet
~I wouldn’t let them wear their shoes in the bath tub
~There was a “monster cloud” outside
~We only read 3 books for bedtime
~I wouldn’t let him fall down the stairs
~They wanted to wear clothes
~They wanted to be naked
~They didn’t want to get in the bath tub
~They didn’t want to get out of the bath tub
~I rinsed the soap off their bodies
~I wouldn’t let them throw/wear all of my shoes
~They wanted to swing
~I swing them too high
~They heard an airplane
~Ethan spilled his popcorn (and many other things)
~Connor spilled his popcorn (and many other things)
~Luke spilled both of their popcorns (and many other things)
This list could go on forever. I think you get the point.
I’ve cleaned up endless spills, wiped thousands of tears, kissed several boo boos, broken up a few fights, changed hundreds of diapers, picked up dozens of messes, and taken LOTS of deep breaths.
Aside from the regular daily things described in the lists above, the boys have entered what I’m calling, “the fear phase.” It started a few weeks ago, coincidentally after they were reintroduced to their dad. I’m not blaming him, saying he scares them, or is doing anything outright to harm them; but the effects of his absence and his presence are beginning to appear. I’ll leave that at that for now. Bottom line of all of that is, they’ve been extremely insecure and afraid of nearly everything. They beg me not to leave them, cry at the sound of almost any noise, and scream like someone set them on fire as they cry, “Mommy, I’m scared!!!” if I so much as think of leaving the room for a moment.
This is highly unusual for them; and while it is absolutely heartbreaking, it’s also extraordinarily taxing. I feel frustrated that I can’t fix it, angry at what I believe caused it, sad for their little feelings and their inability to really understand them, and overall exhausted by it.
I am praying it’s just a phase and we will plow through. My fear is that it will get worse the further down the road of divorce we go and the more issues of visitation are introduced to them. I hate that I can’t protect them from everything. Not the wind, not the rain, not monster clouds, not the effects of this divorce, and not the impact of their father in or out of their lives. It’s crushing.
Beyond that, there was a death in my family, I couldn’t make it to the funeral because of court this week, and I have an important exam to take next week which I have done almost nothing to prepare for. Trying to study with 3 baby angels to take care of is like trying to shovel snow in a blizzard. It’s just pointless.
Ok, I could really go on, but I think I hear the tiny violins playing, and that’s the cue. Pity party over.
The point is, I feel like I’m inching toward the end of my rope by the close of each day the last couple weeks. I feel like I have a longer rope than most people, so this bothers me. There’s just not enough hours in a day and not enough of me to go around.
My boys are the absolute joy of my life. My heart beat, my pulse, and my strength many days. I love them more than I love myself. Some of that sounds borderline unhealthy, but I mean it in the healthiest of ways.
On days I find myself getting short, running out of patience, and hurrying through the bedtime routine so I can cut my boy load by 2/3 and pray the last 1/3 gives up the fight before midnight, I instantly feel guilty. I feel like a horrible, ungrateful, selfish mother and usually have to talk myself out of going back in their room to squeeze them a few more times and apologize.
Here’s what I realized tonight.
It is completely possible to love your kids with all you have and still be ready for bed at the end of the day. It’s ok to be tired. It’s understandable and normal to be a little excited for bedtime by the time it finally rolls around at the end of a 16 hour day with no breaks. It’s ok to need some minutes without hands touching you, someone demanding something of you, and an audience while you pee.
Mom guilt is awful. But it’s just one of those things that gets thrown into the emotional tornado that is motherhood. Every day I pour all I have into my boys. I channel my negative emotions through a funnel of love, and when I feel like I can’t give any more, I always seem to find more. But by the time bedtime rolls around many days, I’m empty.
I need bedtime so I can refuel.
Lately it’s been very difficult to refuel because of all the other things swirling around. My brain is overloaded and my heart is saturated. I’m tired. But I’m also immeasurably grateful.
When I find myself empty and desperate for a bedtime break, I am always simultaneously reminded of the beauty in it all, but that doesn’t mean it’s not ok to be happy the day is over.
Good moms take breaks. Good moms get to the end of their abnormally long ropes. Good moms love their babies with all they have, but are O.V.E.R. I.T. by the end of the day. Good moms know that it’s ok to silently celebrate bedtime so they can refresh and start over the next day.
In keeping with the lists,
here are a few of the things my boys said and did that melted my heart today, and made me feel guilty for highly anticipating bedtime:
~ “God lives in my heart and in my belly…He’s up in heaven…let’s go talk to Him and see heaven.”
~ “Mom you’re my best friend.”
~”I love you.”
~”Lets read a book together.”
~”I’ve gotta give you a kiss.”
~”I missed you.”
Sometimes, despite our love, gratitude, and exploding hearts; we mamas get overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated and OVER IT. I am so grateful that each day is a new start and we get to do it all again the next day. But today, I am mostly grateful for bedtime!
LoveYouBye!!!
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Three Boys and a Mom 
Aww I am sorry your boys are going through the ‘I’m scared’ phase. Anytime there was a change (a move, or a change in his daycare class) my son would do that when he was young. I am def exhausted after a day with my kids, but during the week (after work) I feel like my nights with them are too short! Sometimes I let my son stay up with me after his sister goes to bed so I can hang out with him, but then I pay the price in the morning when he is SO GRUMPY! HA!
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Haha yeah there’s usually another edge to the sword. Most of the time, I honestly can’t spend enough time with my boys. I love every moment with them, even the hard ones. I always feel like that but life is wearing me down a little and I’m just feeling it all this week. The fear things is so sad. Thankfully I’m able to be with them 24/7 right now, for the most part, and so I don’t have to subject them to being away from me or feeling afraid without me. But I do get tired and overwhelmed at times regardless. I feel guilty even saying that, but we all get there. Thanks for the encouragement and support. ❤
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Keep breathing dear momma!! Prayers for grace–lots and lots of grace. You are such a strong woman and I cannot imagine the number of lives your example and words are going to impact throughout the years to come.
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Oh sasha, that means so much to me! Especially coming from a woman who I think the exact same things about. Thank you! ❤
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Your boys are adorable. My sister has 3 active sons. They were a real handful as kids but they are amazing adults who help their mom now. Just think how helpful they might be in the future. 🙂
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Oh man I know! They actually can be pretty helpful now if they wanna be lol. And yes, even though some,days are hard now, it’s sooo worth it and I know they’ll become wonderful men who love their mama, respect women, love each other, and make great husbands some day. I’m glad I have a while before all that though haha…wanna enjoy this even when it’s hard because it’ll be gone before I know it!
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Oh mommy do I know the feeling! You’re doing great by the way! =) I would of lost my mind already with 3 kids under 3. I can’t even bear with one lol. Love reading your blog, I can totally relate. =) And to be honest, bedtime is my favorite part of the day. I look forward to it the minute I get up.
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Aw haha, Thank you so much! The feeling is mutual! Its always good to know we’re not alone.
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Oh just reading your post makes me think I have it easy!! Just keep it up those boys feel the love!
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Aww thank you! I appreciate that. I do believe they feel the love, and so do I, so that’s what matters most!! 😉
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You are such a good mom. You are with them so much, you should never feel guilty for needing space or time to breathe. It’s hard. They are adorable by the way! Great pictures.
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Wow thank you so much! That means a lot ❤
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There are plenty of times where I rejoice that it is bedtime. Stay strong, you’re a good mom and good moms definitely need breaks.
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Thank you so much for that! I agree and do believe in order to stay being a good mom, we have to take care of ourselves too whenever possible. Hard to do some days, but necessary for ourselves and our babies!
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totally thought of you this morning when my 3 year old cried when i woke him up, when i put his shoes on, when i put his sweatshirt on, when i didnt brush his teeth right away, then when i did brush his teeth…. all before leaving for work at 6:30 this morning! haha!
i know i have said it before, but i’m so happy to have found this blog! you crack me up (and make me feel more normal) 🙂 keep on keepin on mama! looking forward to more!
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Wow,Melissa, seriously, this made my heart happy! How wonderful to be thought of throughout your day! I’m so glad we are all in this together and none of us mamas are in our own in this motherhood journey! So glad you found me and I found you! Thanks again!! ❤❤
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Thanks for sharing your daily struggles. I too look forward to bedtime and I only have one!!!
Young Love Mommy
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Thank you so much! Glad I’m not alone ☺
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Way to go, Momma! You are doing exceptionally well. I applaud all that you are doing and I hope that you realize how wonderful you really are. Sometimes it just helps to look in the mirror and say something like “I Rock!” I hope things get better and that the boys are just in a phase. Remember that the God your boys were talking about who lives in their belly and heart, really is in Heaven and that He will help you and your children through these tough times. Sending happy thoughts and strength your way! 🙂
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Oh this was such a wonderful comment. Thank you for your heartfelt responses and support.,it means so much! You are right, God is right there, carrying us all through. I just have to let him in. You, my friend, are wonderful as well! ❤
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I thought this was just the sweetest post. I cannot say enough what a sweet person you are. I love your love for your kids. Mom guilt is the worst – and it’s almost always a downright lie – there to steal your joy! You’re not only doing this alone, but you’re doing it phenomenally! I’m so inspired and impressed with you. Praying for you, praying for your peace, your days, and your nights. Love to you, friend.
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Wow! This touched me so much! You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you! I could just kiss you. I’m so amazed at the support and love and friendships, although just virtual, I’ve made through blogging. So awesome. Thank you!! ❤ and I agree, that guilt is a lie created to steal mommy joy. Gotta shake that crap off!
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Hey, you amazing chica! You gotta get rid of that mommy guilt though! You give, give, give…it’s okay to celebrate bedtime, so you can refuel and be awesome again tomorrow. My boys are in a bit of a “scared” phase too… they are petrified of their shadow especially! They are also screamers, so just know you aren’t alone! Sometimes I hide from them and eat a snack by myself behind a counter, only for like 2 minutes, but the snack tastes like gold and the two minutes, while not long enough…is priceless.
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Haha oh I love that Natasha!!! Thank you so much! You’re so sweet and I’m so glad to know I’m not alone. I look forward to moments of eating alone too sometimes ha ha…ok, every night after the boys are in bed lol! I love these me too moments 😘 thanks for your kind words and encouragement! You’re wonderful!
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Such a list! Funny though, as soon as I get those precious breaks, I think to myself how much my daughter would love the restaurant, or play, or hotel, or whatever! They become so much of who we are! Good post as always.
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Thank you Traci! I often do find that even just an hour or two of them being in the nursery at church is enough of a break to rejuvenate me and I miss them like crazy! But we do need breaks, even small ones.
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I don’t have children yet, but honestly, posts like these scare me a little. LOL!! Good for you for keeping through it, and NOT feeling guilty that you need a break sometimes 🙂 It’ll only make you a better mom.
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Thank you stefanie! Motherhood definitely has its hard moments haha, But man are they worth it. If you want children, I pray you have them because they are a blessing and a gift, crazy moments and all! ☺ But we all do have to take a break every now and then lol, even if it’s just bedtime.
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What a corker of a post! I loved the list. It’s so true and such a great giggle. I think sometimes just writing down things like that – to really pinpoint the absurdity — can change your direction, and although you’re still totally spent at the end of the day, you find a great deal of humor thrown in for good measure.
I hope you fully realize what a marvelous mom you are, and that although it’s clear you could use an extra set of hands – or two! – you are only one person and sometimes it’s totally okay for that one person to collapse before the “to do” list of the day gets done.
If you’re finished enjoying this day because it knocked the wind out of you, wrap it up early and hit the hay in anticipation of another chance tomorrow.
Keep up the wonderful work!
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I love your comments!!! They mean so much and always bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart. Thank you for this!!! I often wonder why God didn’t give moms 6 arms at least haha! You’re right though, finding humor in it certainly helps lights the load, and sometimes, there’s just nothing else to do but laugh! These guys keep me laughing all day that’s for sure 😃 thanks again for such a wonderful comment. It means a lot! ❤
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I so totally get this!!! And with the constant sleep issues in our home even bedtime is not always a relief
But I wouldn’t trade this mom life for anything 🙂
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I live for bedtimes, too, no matter how much I love playing with my girl. Starting school has helped a lot! She has school for four hours in the morning, so I’m still fresh after lunch instead of wanting a nap. It makes afternoons more fun because we do all of our old morning play times in the afternoon — playgrounds, children museums, etc. I still need my “mommy alone time” before and sometimes while I cook dinner, though.
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Yeah, we all need alone time no matter how much we love and live for our babies. And I’m learning that’s ok, and even good. Thanks for reading! Glad you’re finding ways to take care of yourself and get in a balance of time.
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[…] changes your perspective on basically everything. Every day as a mom is a gift. Yes, we get tired and worn down. No, we don’t have much alone time and the last thing on our priority list is […]
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I’ve been almost exactly in your shoes except add a child to the equation and subtract classes. There is no worse feeling as a mom than not being able to protect your kids from those feelings, hear their cries and not be able to do anything about it. (And I have definitely always done the happy dance at bedtime. I love my kids with all my heart but I’m also a better mom when they get good sleep and I do, too!) Hang in there! I’ll say an extra prayer for you tonight!
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Oh Thank you! That’s very sweet of you! Yes, the fear thing is awful. I’m glad that they’re comforted by my arms, I only wish it would always be that way…and that I had a few more arms haha. Luckily I’m not,in school…just have to take a board exam that I still have barely studied for. In your prayer, pray that a miracle occurs and I can somehow pass haha! Thanks so much!!
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[…] changes your perspective on basically everything. Every day as a mom is a gift. Yes, we get tired and worn down. No, we don’t have much alone time and the last thing on our priority list is […]
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This made me cry. This is so true and completely were I am at in life. Being a single Mom with no help Ever is hard! You are on duty 24/7. I love my 2 boys (3 years and 11 months) beyond measure, but there are days when it is BEYOND hard. I pray a lot to get through until bedtime. Thank you for saying it so well
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