Regardless of your marital status, or lack thereof, I think we can all agree that John Legend is the father of musical romance. His song All of Me, inspired by his wife, I just, there are no words. We all ache for love like that.
I have always been wired for relationships. Long-lasting, committed relationships…of all kinds; friendships, romantic relationships, family, and even career included. I’m not a “love me and leave me” kinda girl in any capacity. This has caused me problems throughout my life because I automatically want to give people all of me. I struggled with appropriate boundaries and learning who really deserved all of me. I didn’t get that it was a privilege to gain access to my heart, not a right. I also assumed that because I gave all of me to others, that meant they’d do the same. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone is wired this way, and it caused me a lot of undue anguish having to figure it out.
Not everyone wants all of me. And most people don’t give all of them. Not everyone finds a John Legend kind of love just because their heart is built for it. (At least not without some bumps along the way.) This intrinsic characteristic about me is not altogether bad, but it has not served me well in my naivety about the hearts of others. It has set me up to chase after things that leave me empty. To believe in a mirage and to place my heart in the hands of those who never wanted it to begin with, much less earned or deserved it.
Love is beautiful; but done the wrong way, it is absolutely devastating.
“To make one person the center of your world is bound to end in disaster. There are too many factors outside your control.” Alexandra Adornetto
I spent my marriage handing my heart over to someone who wasn’t equipped to cradle it; literally begging him to see what was in his hands and hold it like it meant something. It didn’t work. Once again, I set myself up unintentionally to live inside a prison of shame where the walls screamed, “You’re not worth it.” I threw myself inside that cell; my body in the cage and my heart on the other side in the hands of the warden.
A heart isn’t meant to live in the hands of someone else. Its not safe there. At least not if it’s placed in the wrong hands. Trying to love through a cage, separated from your heart with no access to the key, doesn’t work unless the other person has done the same.
John Legend’s song is so beautiful because it’s both people who are giving all of themselves. In a love like that, there are no cages. There are no wardens. There are no keys. There is only open, vulnerable hearts in the hands of two people who want to hold them and who understand the value of what they’ve been given.
Divorce is painful no matter what the circumstances are. Here lately I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing about this mess. I’m still not completely sure what it is I’m feeling. It’s nothing and it’s everything all at once.
Three days ago I sat in a courtroom, across from the man I surrendered my all to, as though he were a stranger. And in many ways he was. Stepping outside the cell long enough to see the reality of this prison I’d been living in gave me clarity and perspective I couldn’t have before. We’d been living two very different lives. I was living a John Legend love song, while he lived a whole different kind of melody. I wondered how it’s possible to go from giving someone my whole soul to now not even being able to make eye contact with him.
“The brittle bones beneath my chest cracked, piercing my heart. It was you who breathed new life into my lungs and it was you who would later syphon the life you had given so as to feed your selfish desires.” Sonya Watson
As I sat in the wooden pew, my heart beating so hard I could hear it, feeling like at any moment it might actually fall out through my butt, I realized the court room is a microcosm of what happens in a divorce.
The walls are blank, the edges are hard, the floor is cold and lifeless. The soul is gone, the warmth has disappeared and there is nothing left but the bones. The empty shell of a life you tried to create with another person, and the harsh reality that your heart wasn’t enough.
For me, it’s not simply the reality of a love ending that hurts. Its the reality of a love that never connected. A love that has never been on the same page. A love that never sang the same song and that never can. A love that doesn’t make sense, that left my heart alone and trembling on the cold, hard floor of a prison cell. A prison cell that I created.
This isn’t the love story I imagined for myself. This isn’t the kind of love they write about in love songs or show in movies. (Except Lifetime of course!) This isn’t how it was supposed to go. I was going to give my all to him and he was going to give his all to me. I was going to love all of him and he was going to love all of me. It was going to be beautiful. And even when it wasn’t beautiful, it was going to be strong and inspiring. A testament to the power of true love and commitment.
That dream has died and I am left with a courtroom. There is no warm glow of a heart wrapped in the hands of a man who cherishes it. There is no sweet melody of two souls wrapped around each other forever. And there really never was. All that’s left now is the casing of an attempt at a life together. A bleeding heart dropped onto the floor struggling to find its way back home.
I’m out of the cage and my heart is working its way back into my chest, but the process of stepping outside the prison is tedious. The nerves have all been shot and there is no feeling left. The bones are dry, the soul still shattered; but there is hope. Hope of a life on the other side. Hope of a future free from prison cells and broken, disconnected hearts. Hope of wholeness and restoration, and faith in the vow to continue on.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22
Three Boys and a Mom 
I’m amazed that you are able to write such a wonderful and deep post while going through what you are! You seem to be able to see things clearly even though your heart is breaking. Big {{hugs}} to you as you heal. ❤ ❤
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Thank you so much! That means a lot to me!
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You’re not alone, hon. ❤
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Yes, unfortunately I know this is all too common, which is why I feel writing about it is necessary, so that others realize they’re not alone and there is hope and healing. Even if it’s slow. Thank you!
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I didn’t want to “like” this because it makes me sad. But you are a beautiful writer, a strong woman and an amazing mother. I’m sorry you are going through this; I watched my parents love and marriage end the same way. Keep your head up and a smile on your face; you’ll find that all of me love. 💜
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Oh thank you!!! I believe I will too, Although it’ll be far in the future because I just am nowhere near ready to even entertain the thought of someone else. My boys are are all I need for a while ☺ it’s strange that I come from a family of “all of me love” but somehow I missed the boat haha. Thank you so so much, truly your words mean so very much to me! ❤ I debate writing some of this stuff but think it’s healing not only for me but hopefully others as well. Thank you again!
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Your strength is astonishing. I really have no words to express, so here is a silent prayer sent for extra strength and grace these coming days.
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Wow sasha, thank you! That means so much to me and I appreciate your words and prayers!!!
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Beautifully expressed Rachael. Your strength shines through and even though I can only imagine the array of feelings that you are going through, I hear hope shine through your words. Wrapping you and your precious little boys in prayer. ❤
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Hannah, thank you! That truly means so much!! ❤
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Absolutely beautiful, and heartbreaking…
I have been there before, though without children. Sometimes in order to be the strongest and best version of ourselves we need to go through this type of heartache. I wish you and your ex-husband the strength you will need to get through this next little while and build a strong foundation to raise your little ones on.
Hold onto your hope, it will get you through 🙂
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Thank you so much Sarah. I agree that sometimes we become our best selves through heart ache and painful circumstances. That seems to be the story of my life 😉 thank you for your encouragement and kind words, they mean a lot!
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The strength you exhibit in this post can only come from The Lord. What you shared reminds me of Psalm 73:26, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
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Love that verse! Thank you so much. I certainly don’t always feel,strong burning know that He upholding me and carrying us through to something beautiful on the other side. My strength is only because of Him and His grace in my life.
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This is written so well and so eloquently, I can barely appreciate the eloquence because it’s made me sad to the core. Marvelous writing from an incredible woman.
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Wow! That means so much. Thank you! I don’t even really know what to say, those words mean a lot to me!
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It’s easy to find a post on this subject that lacks the clarity and honest you’ve been able to convey. It definitely makes an impact! Look forward to reading more from you, on everything.
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Well I appreciate that so much. Thank you! It’s honoring to know my words have made an impact.
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Another beautiful post.
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Thank you very much!
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This is a beautiful and poignant post Rachel. Wish you and your family all the best.
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That means a lot…Thank you!
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I relate to SO much of what you write here and in another post, about wanting to give everything and assuming everyone else feels the same way! This post was beautiful and beautifully written and has made me feel less alone — I hope writing it has helped in the healing of your heart, and scooted your heart closer to your chest and other vital organs! I have read of SO many chapter twos…. There is another song, you know. It’s called “Love Is Sweeter the Second Time Around.” For some people, this is their anthem and they fall even more into bliss for having experienced it incompletely or badly the first time!
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What an encouragement! I agree and do have hope for that. Writing is a very healing thing and it’s been encouraging to know it has touched others in the process. Thank you for you kind words, it means a lot!
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The only reason why I “liked” the post is because you wrote it beautifully despite what you are going through. Sending you big hugs and positive vibes. God bless and praying for your healing!
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That means a lot, Thank you!
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I love your honesty about such a difficult time. I know that it will help others who are experience the same thing. I am praying that you will feel God’s love and comfort through this difficult time. 🙂
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Thank you so much! I do hope it helps others going through similar things. I know I’m not alone in this situation and so if I can be an encouragement to others to know the same, that’s my goal in sharing.
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Wow… this is really moving. So sorry you have to go through this right now.
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Thank you so much. I appreciate that a lot.
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This is so beautiful it made me tear up! You are so strong and deserving of nothing but someone who wants All of You! 🙂
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That means a lot. Thank you! Its been a strengthening experience for sure!
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Just know you’re never alone!! You have the support of all us mom-bloggers, ESP me if you ever need someone to talk to!!! 🙂
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Oh that’s very sweet! Thank you ❤
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I am very sad you are going through such a terrible time. I hope writing about it has been therapeutic for you and I have no doubt that it will help someone that is experiencing something similar. Your writing is wonderful and heart wrenching at the same time. I think I said it before, but it’s so true-those boys are so lucky to have such a strong mama!
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That means more to me than you know! Thank you! Writing about it has been very healing and I pray it does help others going through similar things…or even other painful experiences of any kind. God is using it all and healing me from the inside out theough everything, because there’s no other choice. I’m stronger, wiser and have more self respect than ever before, although it’s been a devastating last few years…and there are many more ahead. Thank you for you encouragement.
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I am in continual awe of your strength and poise through this difficult time in your life, Rachael. My ex and I aren’t officially divorced yet, but we’re going through the trials of co-parenting right now and it’s testing my last nerve. But, next time I need encouragement, I’m coming to your blog.
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Truly you have no idea how much That means to me. Today has been a day of feeling very overwhelmed by it all (currently thinking and writing a post about it) and I just feel defeated sometimes. But, these trials serve to strengthen us. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it too, but we can encourage each other as we trudge these murky waters. Stay strong love. You’re in my prayers! ❤
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Such a beautiful post. You are a strong woman for sharing this with your readers! stay strong mama~ You are your Boys’ hero.
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That means a lot to me Shirley, thank you!!
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Wow. I am in shock. It’s like reading my own diary. This was written beautifully but what resonated with me the most was… that I could say almost the exact same things. It is nice to know that we aren’t alone. Hugs and prayers.
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Hugs and prayers back to you…. When I can find some time, I am looking forward to reading your posts and seeing the similarities in our journeys. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too, but you are exactly right, we are never alone! You’ll be in my thoughts!!
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[…] Big Lessons from Small Souls 4. Celebrating motherhood in all its stink: Power to the Showerless 5. When Love Ends in a Courtroom 6. Comic relief: Moms Say the Danrndest Things 7. Being home for my boys: Home Is Where The Heart […]
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[…] I’m out of the cage and my heart is working its way back into my chest, but the process of stepping outside the prison is tedious. The nerves have all been shot and there is no feeling left. The bones are dry, the soul still shattered; but there is hope. Hope of a life on the other side. Hope of a future free from prison cells and broken, disconnected hearts. Hope of wholeness and restoration, and faith in the vow to continue on.” From my post “When Love Ends In A Courtroom“ […]
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I read this and felt like you had crawled into my brain and put my thoughts on paper. I’m going through my second divorce and have four beautiful children depending on me to be strong. Love stories can be so tragic, but a love not appreciated, with it’s depths not comprehendeD, is the saddest of all. So true, we were singing different songs. Thank you for sharing this.
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Beautifully said. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but those children have a strong mama and for that they are blessed! Hang in there.
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