Letting Go of the Broken Mirage

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” -Unknown

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Right now nothing makes sense. There is a relentless and constant battle between my head and my heart, and I hate how misguided my heart seems to be. For many years there has been a gnashing of teeth when it comes to the battle of love between my head and my heart. Why I have loved the people I have loved so much I will never understand. How I continue to allow it to hurt me is beyond comprehension. Hating him hurts me. Loving him hurts me. And standing in the middle is crippling me. I literally gave away every single piece of me and I’m now realizing how hard it is not only to get those pieces back, but also to somehow try to figure out how to put them back together-but differently this time because the previous organization of the pieces clearly didn’t work. I hate that my already sick heart is now so incredibly busted I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust it.

“Even the jerks earn some of our affection. We can be glad they’re gone and yet still mourn the good parts.” Shannon Hale

One reason this season of life is so hard is that it’s not happening because of a lack of love; it’s happening because of an over abundance of love. A love that started one-sided and unhealthy and just continued to twist and spiral itself down into the ground. A love that has killed me from the beginning and still is. I’ve chased a mirage for many years and I am now faced with a choice: keep running knowing I will likely die chasing something that can’t be caught, or accept the reality of what it is and stop running.

I have to stop running.

Love isn’t suppose to hurt this much. It’s amazing how despite all the damage and all the pain, all the lies, sleepless nights, broken promises, and shattered dreams, when the mirage shows back up, my heart instantly and instinctively wants to chase after it. My head screams, “You’re an idiot!!!” and my heart says, “Shut up!” I keep wanting to believe that someday, with enough running, enough effort, enough energy, enough love and desire, the mirage will become a tangible reality. Somehow, I will be able to catch the uncatchable. To make the dream come true. To fit the square peg into the round hole simply because I want it to fit; and I deserve to get what I want, right?

But what I really want is healthy love. Love that doesn’t hurt. Love that doesn’t cause my heart to fall out of my chest and onto the floor in front of me. Love that doesn’t squeeze my insides and make me feel like I’m suffocating. Love that edifies me. Love that sees me. Love that knows me, accepts me, holds me and doesn’t use me. Love that doesn’t need, but wants. Love that doesn’t require pieces of myself to be shaved off in order for it to fit.

I have desperately wanted something I never had for years, but I am finally accepting the fact that staying in something simply because you’ve convinced yourself that someday your love will be enough and it won’t always hurt so much is a set up. It’s not even fair or right to love someone for who you want them to be. That’s not how healthy love works. Wanting something doesn’t make it possible.

You know the saying, “Want in one hand, sh*t in the other and see which one fills up faster.” Sometimes it’s the poop hand that fills up faster than you can dump it. Believing that your desire for something is enough to make it happen is a set up for failure, pain and disappointment.

Things have happened to my heart that I may never be able to fully explain or understand. There’s more layers to this season of life and it’s consequences than I can even fathom. As soon as I begin thinking I have healed through some of them, new layers are found and I feel swallowed whole. Right now, the sadness I feel is not just because of the loss of a relationship I had; It’s sadness about the loss of a relationship I never had. I’m grieving the loss of a dream. I’m grieving the final failure of my backwards looped attempt at redemption. The wall of reality has finally been hit and it’s a colder, harder wall than I expected. I went into the relationship a bag full of broken pieces. Then one by one I put my broken pieces into his bag of broken pieces hoping somehow we’d heal each other. Now, realizing I’m in fact not God and I don’t have that kind of power or influence, I’m left with nothing but my empty bag.

I thought I needed to figure out how to get those pieces back; but maybe I’m supposed to finally let them all go.

Maybe instead of taking back my broken pieces, God has given me the opportunity to be filled and rebuilt with new pieces. Rather than continuing to try to restore myself with the old familiar busted bag of broken fragments, God just might be calling me to let it all go. He might be encouraging me, and even insisting, that I give Him the bag and the broken pieces and allow Him to do what He wants with them and to rebuild me.

Redemption is a painful but beautiful process. I feel every jagged edge of every broken piece and the extreme emptiness of my now vacant bag. That emptiness feels surprisingly heavy. Too heavy. My bleeding heart can’t carry it all, and my frustrated head is tired of trying.

The time has come to let it go.

I have learned that we do the things we do because at the time, it’s all we know to do. We run to old things for comfort even when they are killing us just because at least that form of death is familiar. God is calling me out of that familiar death and into an unfamiliar, even uncomfortable life. An abundant, beautiful life.

I’ve never allowed myself the gift of sitting in this place of simultaneously feeling everything and feeling nothing. I’ve always filled the empty bag with the same broken, painful, stabbing pieces because it’s who I thought I was. Those jagged edges have changed me, and I am no longer the same person I was. Those pieces no longer fit.

I still don’t know who the hell I am, but I know it’s time for new pieces, and I know God is the only one who knows what they are. While I hate this place, I’m grateful for it because pushing through this pain is strengthening me beyond anything I think I can even understand right now.

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.” Carroll Bryant

I am going to sit in the deafening quiet of this painful, beautiful place and force myself to allow God to do what He needs to do with it all. I am going to ask God to keep me in this discomfort until I stop fighting it and am able to walk away from it whole, healed, refreshed and redeemed. I am going to open my clenched fists; lift up my frail, tired arms; and hand God my bruised, bleeding, misguided heart trusting that He will hold me until He can set me free, completely mended and reconciled to Him through His perfect love; the only true and perfect love there is.

27 thoughts on “Letting Go of the Broken Mirage

  1. Beautiful. Just beautiful. I understand so much of this..grieving what could have been is almost worse than grieving what you had. Let God do His thing..I’m starting to figure out who I am, and when I was in your spot on the timeline I thought it would never get any better. Your boys are so lucky. Call me anytime you want to talk!

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  2. God gave us free will to make our own choices. You are making choices every minute of every day. Choose different if you are not happy. You have the power to choose differently every minute. Have no fear. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose to be. I think people need to love themselves more. We can’t expect others to love us if we can’t love and respect ourselves. I wish you strength and clarity.

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    • I agree with that and that is why I am making different choices now because I finally do love myself enough to choose things that add to me rather than take away from me. It’s still a process and I have a long way to go but at least I am moving in the right direction finally. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. It takes a lot of strength to share your heartache here, but it’s clear that here is where you’ll likely find some healing too.
    The grieving is tough, untethering from the dream is gut-wrenching, but it’s also healing. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.
    Be brave when you feel like being brave, and fall apart when you need to fall apart. But keep up the work–the working on moving out of where you are and toward the place you want and need to be is going to be worth all that effort.
    Cheers

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    • Thank you so much for this. I agree…this is the place that I a ,finding healing. it’s not easy but it’s such a blessing inside the pain. There is beauty on the broken pieces and God is rebuilding me,into who I am,suppose to be, the woman I never believed I was. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  4. I really enjoy your writing (though I wish, for your sake, that the topic was happier – I hope you know what I mean). That last paragraph – WOW. You put into words the way I have felt at times, but have never been able to articulate. Beautiful. ❤
    P.S. I voted for you!

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    • Oh that means so much to me truly. Thank you! Much of my blog is happy and mom related stuff but because it’s my life I do add in the not so happy reality of this life as well. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I know we have all felt this way at different times in our lives for different reasons and seasons… it’s painful but it’s a growth opportunity so for that I’m grateful. 😍

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      • I know just what you mean; I recently wrote a few posts about my struggle with panic attacks & anxiety, and I’ve also written about problems in marriage. It is important to me that my blog represent the many parts of my life. It is not JUST a mommy blog! 😉
        Thank you for being so open and honest about what you’re experiencing. It will surely help those going through the same thing! XO

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  5. Thank you so much for the encouragement and support… I agree, I didn’t want mine to be JUST another mommy blog, although that’s important and a big part of it. I’m enjoying reading your stuff and will hopefully read more as I find time ☺

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  6. I enjoyed your writing. I think many have been in a not-so-healthy relationship, and some, sadly, never come to that realization or gather the strength to walk away. Your post reminded me of a quote: “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the …. on.” –Tupac Shakur

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  7. I enjoyed this piece, though it saddened me to read your words. You are so brave and so strong to have come to the realization that you need to do what is best for you! I hope you see happier times in the future!

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  8. I have a hard time liking this, because I can literally feel your pain through your words. But, this was so beautifully written. You have a gift for turning a painful situation into something beautiful.

    Just remember who the real lover of your soul is. I pray that you find peace from The One. xoxo

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  9. Oh my this is such a tough thing to go through. I went through a divorce 10 years ago and I remember feeling much of what you write about. Although I was not a Christian at the time, and the loneliness was so painful. I am so thankful that you have our Amazing comforting God by your side through this.

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  10. WOW! You’ve captured such a painful process, so totally beautifully. What an eloquent and relatable depiction of such a difficult time in your life. You have certainly given me insight, and I know you’ve given so many hope. God bless xoxoxo

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